It was hard.

It was hard to see her like that.

It has been a long time since I saw her and seeing her brought back a flood of awful memories and tears.

Tears rolled down my cheeks

I was angry.

Again.

why?

I thought I was okay. I thought I was moving forward.

but seeing her again like that

brought me back to when I was an angry, angry teenager and I wanted to bury myself

into my obnoxiously loud music, scream into my pillow and escape. But escape where?

No matter where I go she’s there. she’s always there.

I feel like I will never be able to move on with my life until I completely cut her off.

But why?

Why do I have to feel like the bad guy?

All I am doing is trying to take care of myself. Better myself. Heal myself.

But I feel like the bad guy.

What is so wrong about trying to be healthy? Happy?

All my life she has tore me down. Called me the most horrific names and I am talking

horrific. Adults should never say those words, especially to their children. I don’t care

how intoxicated a person is they should never, ever call their children the names that my

mother has called me for almost my entire childhood, and adult life.

But it will always be hard to see her like that.

No matter the day.

The time.

Place.

I wrote the blog post above almost 3 years ago and couldn’t finish it. Thats how hard it was to see her that way. But thankfully I am in a much better place that I was then and have been able to move forward. For a long time I was stuck in the same place and I couldn’t seem to get past it. But I made it and everyday I work on getting better and better so that I can give my daughter and children the best possible life they deserve.

 

 

Choose to be Happy

Today, and everyday I choose to be happy.

I refuse to allow anyone’s negativity affect my life in anyway. No more. I wont do it.

Growing up with an abusive alcoholic mother was horrible. Ridiculous. Awful. Sickening. Devastating. Depressing. & Humiliating.

Everyday is still a struggle. But I choose to put a smile on my face, and put one foot in front of the other.

Moving away from home was the best thing for my recovery. Recovery from an abusive, horrible, awful mother who was verbally abusive for the last 20+ years.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent. On the inside I am hurting. Hurting a lot. But it gets better as each day passes. I am getting better, or trying to get better.

I am comfortable in telling my story. I don’t break down in tears anymore. And I can laugh about, even if its not funny. Humor is a good thing and I chuckle to myself thinking it hasn’t been an easy road to get where I am today.

I am thankful that I can share my story. Because growing up with a parent who constantly called you a fucking cunt, or a bitch. Or tell you to go spread your legs so other men can fuck you isn’t normal. And its not right. And just because she was in an alcoholic state doesn’t give her an excuse.

Alcoholism is an addiction. Yes. But name-calling isn’t an addiction. It is a choice one makes. And let me tell you from experience those words will never go away. Never. Those words will forever be ingrained my in mind, and I have never been able to forget them. Sometimes I can just hear them echoing in my mind and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can remember the first time my mom started calling me all those awful names that your parents tell you not to say. I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked. How? I was only a little girl. Why? Why me? I didn’t understand. And then it never stopped the name calling just got worse. And I got used to it. Until I got bigger and started sticking up for myself.

I deal with my mother the best way that I know. And I wholeheartedly choose to separate myself from her. It is my choice and not anyone else’s. Please don’t tell me how you think I should deal with it. Because if you haven’t been in my situation, or a similar situation where your mother was screaming obscenities at you, and trying to fight you then you don’t know what its like.

I am learning how deal. So please just allow me to deal with it the best possible way I know how. I am doing my best.

I choose to be happy.

Do you?

Holy HUT damn.

Lets just holy, frigging canolly.

Lets just say I was a sewing mean machine and no one was getting in my way.

You ready…

back side of snowskirt
My first upcycled snow skirt from an existing snow skirt.
bags
A set of bags for a wonderful neighbor.
bubbles up
The bubbles were placed in a very strange place, but I love it! The bubbles are going up, not down 😉
love it
My lovely teacher Jeanne! Shes amazing!
owl organizer owl rice pad
Owl organizer, and owl heating pad.
pink snow skirt
Showing off the hot pink waistband!
sewing galore
My weekend of sewing action. This is no distractions, and just a sewing fool. Sweater skirt with the arms for leggings, recycled carhart pants that didnt fit my step son, 2 snow skirts from one with hot new designs, ipad cover, owl organizer, owl heating pad, and many many bags!
skirt on
Love this!
snow skirt in action
Hot pink in action!
teacher
My mentor, adopted mother, friend! Couldnt have done this without her!

This was one weekend of some serious sewing! I joined a sewing guild here in my hometown and I think it has released a beast in me! But I love it!

I cant wait to whip out more things! The owl heating pads are going to make great gifts, and those owl organizers are great for sewers!

BUT!

How the heck can one get excited for Christmas when its 40 degrees and raining?! UGH! Small world problems, I guess I should just be grateful, right….

Anyways! Enjoy! Its November 13th and we are nearing to a new year, a new leaf, and a new sewing machine maybe! 🙂

Happy Thirsty Thursday for those of YOU that celebrate 😉

October as a busy bee

Another busy bee.

Who says 13 credits, full time job, part time job, teenager, husband, pupper-do and sewing wasnt possible?

I guess you can say I like to stay busy as a bee, and do a very good job of that.

We are half-way thru October, which is insane! Where has summer gone? Where has fall gone?

As winter nears I get excited but sad because of how quickly time passes us, and sometimes I dont stop to enjoy the moments.

I enjoy what I do.

I enjoy my full time job.

My part time job working with the political frenzy is coming to an end. Only 12 more days and then the big boom of rush to the polls. So vote early, and just flat right vote.

And I love sewing. I love when winter nears because that means it times to bust out the fur and get fuzzy.

If I could just sew and go to school I dont know if that would be busy enough for me hence the two other jobs and all the other hats at home.

BUT enough rambling.

Heres the latest and greatest and I should have more projects to share before the end of the year!

Enjoy!

another boys qaspeq
Boys size 10 simple qaspeq
bags in the making
More bags in the making! I love these colors and how well they mesh.
boys qaspeq
Another one of my favorite boys size 10 qaspeq.
cup cozies
I SAVE all my scraps and they come in handy when I whipped out these cup cozies.
halloween bags
More kids Halloween trick or treat bags because they were a hit the first time, I had to whip them out a second time.
grass basket collecting
Lets hope that these make some amazing grass baskets. I dont know how to make them yet but I am willing to learn and this is the first step collecting and drying it. I will post a proper photo of how to dry them because there is a specific way.
moose tops
My latest and greatest project moose beaded slipper tops. Beading isnt one of my strong areas but I am hoping to get better as I continue to bead.
Halloween Trick or Treat Bags
More Halloween trick or treat bags different style

Do what makes you happy. 

Do it often and with joy because life is all about being happy and finding joy in the little things such as sewing or beading.

A whirlwind of business…

5:30 morning phone calls that boil my blood

sewing

sewing

and more sewing

I will elaborate on my fun 5:30 am phone call. Everyone wants that phone call. You want that phone tell, let me tell you. It starts your morning out with a bang.

6 Qaspeqs

in

6 days! Was fun and fun! Tiring but fun!

They turned out amazing!

Miss Megan Leary is representing our Kuskokwim region as I type!

Check out my handy dandy work! These qaspeqs were beautiful and I had a good time sewing them!

Hope you enjoy my work!

A natural Miss WEIO
A natural Miss WEIO
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Red in full form :) this one turned out really nice!
Red in full form 🙂 this one turned out really nice!
The whole package
The whole package
Lined hoods and all
Lined hoods and all
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming

 

My handy dandy hood work
My handy dandy hood work
Love the purples and greens
Love the purples and greens
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue

 

5:30 phone calls cant bring me down as long as I keep pushing.

5:30 comes and goes everyday twice a day and I remind myself I am better than that. I am better than her. I am a stronger person. I dont deserve to be rudely awakened at 5:30 am to be cussed out and called all sorts of nasty names at such an early hour. I am a better and stronger person.

 

Ring, ring

Its 5:30 wake up.

Ring, ring

Hurry its 5:30 wake up

Oh, must be important.

5:30 wake up calls are unusual.

Oh, wait am I 7 again? or 10? or 14?

I remember those awful calls.

Dad unplugging the phone.

Me unplugging the phone.

Who else would be waking me at an ungodly hour.

Ring, ring.

Maybe if I ignore it she will hang up.

Nope

On comes the answering machine

and there it is

that

dreadful

awful

voice

its her… 

My blood is boiling, the tears are swelling, and the assholes, bitches, mother effer’s come out

its 5:30 why not

lets start the morning off right.

Nothing but F you’s and you stupid B’s and all that jazz.

5:30

Oh how I hate you

I hate those memories

those horrible tired mornings

You stupid B just rot in hell please and leave me be

Because 5:30 comes and goes

but her

shes always there

waiting for the next morning to

call

harrass

and

ruin

my

life

one

day

at

a

 

time.

 

Thanks mom!

 

Did I mention that I hate you.. Yup, sure do.

So bring it on 5:30 I’ll be ready.

 

Its nights like…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if anything is ever going to get better…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to move forward with my life…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder when its going to stop, the calls, the texts, the anger, the hatred…

Angerness fills my soul in moments like these,

Its moments like these where I want to just want to run away…

Run away from her.

Run away from the anger, and the sadness.

Tiring.

Tiring to have these feelings and emotions day after day, night after night.

I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces, and never have the chance to be put together.

Hatred text messages dont solve the problem.

Telling someone you hate them over, and over again doesnt solve the problem.

Telling yourself you are over her and dont need her wont solve the problem.

Nothing will ever solve the problem,

until

she

is

gone

for

good

Until then, I guess I can be fine.

Just fine.

 

Lets just say…

Lets just say its been a busy couple of months for me…

IMG_1623
Cute table runner I donated to Bethel Friends of Canine
IMG_1773
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1755
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1757
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1759
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1761
Scrap bag
IMG_1648
Rabbit lined mittens
IMG_1614
The school of fish
IMG_1621
Another table runner I donated to a family friend

IMG_1774 IMG_1756 IMG_1758 IMG_1760 IMG_1762 IMG_1622

I am also now a proud owner of a sea otter pelt!
I am also now a proud owner of a sea otter pelt!

 

 

I have somewhat become addicted to sewing…. Its been a busy few months for me on the sewing machine, in the office, and at home dealing with home life.

My mother never fails to pop into my life when I least expect it, and when I welcome it the least. She has the worst timing. She manages to step into my life and stomp me further into the ground. Her drunken voice boils my blood. Her laughter makes me want to strangle her soul. Its amazing what one phone call can do to my well being. It brings me back to a damn spiral of anger and disgust. And in the moments what I wouldnt do to hurt her with all my might. But then I realize shes nothing to me. Shes been dead to me for years and I just need to let it go like a dead fly. Moments like those rotten phone calls remind me that I will never heal until she has left this earth for good.

Until then I just keep on kicking. Keep on breathing. Keep on moving.

Thankul Thanksgiving

As I sti here and reflect on what to be thankful for…

The phone rang.

and of course it was her.

Do I answer?

Yes. I answer and then

I hung up.

Why is it that she can just up and call me just because its THANKSGIVING.

A day that we are suppose to be thankful for everything and everyone.

But seeing her name on the caller ID made my blood boil, and I felt the tears building up…

She cant do that. She cant think that just because its a holiday she can call me say thanksgiving, tell me how much she loves me, and then act as if nothing happened. Its wrong.

What goes thru her head? I just dont get it.

And then I instantly regretted hanging up. I wanted to tell her how awful she was. How she ruined my childhood. How she cant keep doing this to me. Bringing me back to this dark, awful, cold place. A place of hate of anger. I wanted to tell her all the awful things that shes said to me. Only…

I know what would happen. She would get upset. She wouldnt listen. She would get angry with me. And then she would drink. And it would be all my fault. She would blame me the next time she saw me with those piercing evil eyes.

So its better I dont answer. Its better I dont tell her anything. Its better that I just dont bother.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who keeps me grounded. And my amazing father who has been my rock and my best friend in my early on years… And he still is 🙂

Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.
Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.

I am also thankful I didnt leave the giblets, or the neck in the turkey this year.

I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.
I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.

I am thankful I am able to move forward, and leave the past and the negativity in the past.

I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.
I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.

I am thankful that my dog likes beer.

:)
Mac has problems 🙂

I forgot to mention I am thankful that I lived to be 27 years young. Heres to another 73 I hope…

What are you thankful for?

Breaking pieces of my soul

Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.

So cold.

So strange.

So dark.

How can this human being be my mother?

How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me

for

reasons

I will never

know,

understand

Or

ever get over.

Staring at her is sickening.

I want to cry.

I want to puke.

I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then

just then

see how she feels.

Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness

Living like this

Living like this with her toxicness is killing me

Piece by piece

I am slowly breaking

until

there will be

nothing

left

of

my

happy

loving

soul.