Thankul Thanksgiving

As I sti here and reflect on what to be thankful for…

The phone rang.

and of course it was her.

Do I answer?

Yes. I answer and then

I hung up.

Why is it that she can just up and call me just because its THANKSGIVING.

A day that we are suppose to be thankful for everything and everyone.

But seeing her name on the caller ID made my blood boil, and I felt the tears building up…

She cant do that. She cant think that just because its a holiday she can call me say thanksgiving, tell me how much she loves me, and then act as if nothing happened. Its wrong.

What goes thru her head? I just dont get it.

And then I instantly regretted hanging up. I wanted to tell her how awful she was. How she ruined my childhood. How she cant keep doing this to me. Bringing me back to this dark, awful, cold place. A place of hate of anger. I wanted to tell her all the awful things that shes said to me. Only…

I know what would happen. She would get upset. She wouldnt listen. She would get angry with me. And then she would drink. And it would be all my fault. She would blame me the next time she saw me with those piercing evil eyes.

So its better I dont answer. Its better I dont tell her anything. Its better that I just dont bother.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who keeps me grounded. And my amazing father who has been my rock and my best friend in my early on years… And he still is 🙂

Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.
Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.

I am also thankful I didnt leave the giblets, or the neck in the turkey this year.

I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.
I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.

I am thankful I am able to move forward, and leave the past and the negativity in the past.

I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.
I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.

I am thankful that my dog likes beer.

Mac has problems 🙂

I forgot to mention I am thankful that I lived to be 27 years young. Heres to another 73 I hope…

What are you thankful for?

Breaking pieces of my soul

Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.

So cold.

So strange.

So dark.

How can this human being be my mother?

How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me



I will never




ever get over.

Staring at her is sickening.

I want to cry.

I want to puke.

I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then

just then

see how she feels.

Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness

Living like this

Living like this with her toxicness is killing me

Piece by piece

I am slowly breaking


there will be








Dark hopeless nights

The days are getting shorter.

Nights getting darker.

The air, is cool, crisp and eerie.

An overwhelming feeling takes over my soul.

Winter is approaching. Slowly, but surely it will be here.

And then what.

Where will she go?

How will she survive?

Shes homeless. And has been for over 20 years.

She lives off the land of booze, food stamps, and government hand outs.

She has no regrets. No ambitions. No desires in life


just to get that one more bottle.

One more sip.

Thats it.

All it takes is one, single drop that can ruin a




One drop. She chooses that one drop over her entire


Once the bone chilling nights take over her being

Then what?

Will she become a statue frozen to the ground?

Will she fall asleep soundly and become a beautiful snow angel, forever…

Time will only tell

Until then I will hold my breathe


Wait for the long future nights of





Christmas Tree Skirt

I wanted to make this christmas tree skirt last year but didnt have enough time. I think November 8th is a good time to start planning for Christmas even though its raining here, which is unusual.

Christmas Tree Skirt.

I will definately post pictures once completed! I have a ton of leftover Christmas fabric that needs to be used up!

Wish me luck!

Treading on thin ice


not quite yet.

Ice crackles

Closer and closer.

Open water treading the frozen water pulls me down deeper and deeper wait.

She sees me wait. I can see it in her soft brown eyes I am no longer treading on thin ice.

I am engulfed in the river of madness

The river that openly takes souls left and right

Leaving behind warm hearts and loving bodies

But I am one of those many whose souls have been stolen.

Whose souls have been ripped out of life

I am no longer treading on thin ice

I am one of you.

lost among the riverbeds waiting to be found

My soul is lost.

Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim
Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim

Holiday Sadnesses

As the holidays are nearing I feel a sadness begin to overwhelm my soul.

I cant remember the last time that I spent a holiday with my mother…

I know I am an adult and I have my own family, and I shouldnt want her around as much… But considering the last Christmas that she spent with us was maybe 10 years ago or longer… I can probably count on my fingers the number of Christmas’s and Thanksgivings’s, birthday’s that she has spent with my brother, dad and myself and I am 26. Not a whole damn lot.

As a kid its saddening. I can remember crying myself to sleep some nights because of the unknowns. Why didnt she want to spend Christmas with us? Would she be at my birthday? Will she spend Thanksgiving with us? Year after year the same depressing feelings.

Now. I cant even stand to be in the same room with her. In and out of jail for reasons unknown. The moment she gets out of jail or the half-way house shes all smiles and hugs as if nothing happened. As if she didnt call me a bitch. Or threaten me. Or whatever she does. Nothing. Everything is sparkles and ponies. Bull. It sickens me to my stomach. How can a human being be so stupid? Shes a fucking idiot. Yes shes mother and blah blah blah. And shes sick. And has a disease. Yes. She is all those things but she is not trying. She thinks she can apologize for calling me a bitch and everything be fine without actually taking into consideration my feelings, and emotions. She must think, Oh I can just apologize, tell her I love her unconditionally and everything is kosher.

There is no room in my heart for my mother. Until she decides she wants help and wants to get better. Then maybe. Then maybe then I will make a spot for her but until then she is nothing to me.

No human being gets a pass for that kind of behavior. I mean give me a break shes in her mid 60s and has been a raging alcholic since I was like 4 years old. 22 years of homelessness, drunk, calling your daughter all names in the book that no child should ever have to hear. Sickening.

My holiday sadness is no more. After writing this and getting my blood boiling and getting myself irritated I dont have no sadness for her. She has played the victim card for 22 years. Go spend your holiday on the streets with a bottle of R & R.

Marriage Isn’t For You

Love this piece on marriage. I have been married since August 3, 2012 and I didnt think that I ever wanted to be married. When I met my husband in 2009 I never thought we would ever get married. My dad never married and he was a happy dude. Also my mother was a raging alcoholic so I dont blame him for not marrying her. My husband and I had talked about marriage and I very resistant to it because I never wanted to get married. But over the months, and long discussions I decided why not? What was I so resistant against… And now we have been married a little over a year and I couldnt be happier. People ask how it feels to be married and I tell them it feels like he is still my boyfriend. Marriage, girlfriend, boyfriend all the same to me. Just because there is a title and my last name is different I dont view it any different. Call me crazy, but I am not old fashion. Many will tell me I am wrong and that is fine we all have different beliefs. Marriage may not be for all but many will say that you are heading in the right direction.

Seth Adam Smith

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each…

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Some Saturdays are not smooth sailing for this captain

Saturday morning started out beautifully.

The boys and dad got up went swimming. A and I slept in slightly. As I lay there in bed as my hubby was working out I began to start feeling guilty. So. I laid there for about 5 minutes and them jumped outta bed. A went to join the boys in the pool and I got up and ran. My lungs hated me and so did I. How could I allow myself to get so out of shape after unning the half marathon. Well. I got that run out of the way. Now I just need to keep up to speed.

After swimming. Breakfast. When it comes to meals its like pulling teeth and nails. Lets go here. Lets go here. Lets go here. No I dont like that. No I dont want that. No I dont like this. We already ate there. We dont like that place. We want this. Until.. the time comes when J or I decide where we are going to eat and then they remember a place that they ate before. Actually turns out to be good, and they have my best breakfast meal waffles with blueberries. We go thru our usual routine of how to act in the restaurant. No hollering. No screaming. Use your table manners. Dont fart. Dont burp. Yadda yadda yadda. And they of course always. Okay, we wont do that.

Breakfast is ordered. Then always we do our usual entertainment. Times tables for N. E and A are pretend writing on the table placements. Telephone. Write on the other persons back and have them guess. Then we eat. Eating is usually quiet and the kids are good. Its after the meals are eaten when shit hits the fan. N is constantly asking to go to the car. N & A are fighting. And E begins to fidget. Wander around. A she is 13, N hes 10 and E he is 8. The teenage mutant ninja turtle is 16 and at home taking care of Mac. Back to breakfast. A, N, and E aggravate dad and I so its time to go to the car. Dad takes them to the car, I take care of the table. Whew. Breakfast is done.

I like to keep the kids entertained and not watching television. So I create a scavenger hunt for them consisting of easy and difficult, almost hard to find things like a 4 leaf clover, or heart shaped rock. Its a little chilly outside but the kids can handle it. All three and thrilled and ready however when it comes time to finding the hard things like a heart shaped rock A backs down. But E and N are determined. E and dad take off up the hill in search of a 4 leaf clover dad convinces E to break apart a 3 leaf clover and show me. I fall for it for a minute… A is chilling no more searching for items. E and N team up in search of a 4 leaf clover. I have found only one of those in my lifetime so I know its difficult. Although, I have only attempted searching a couple times. So when they come running down the hill excited, happy and all smiles I know they have found the motherload. A four leaf clover. Good kids.

The last of the scavenger hunt is to race to the river… E beats N but we tell them its a tie. The winner gets a prize. We get the kids their prize its a sweet. If you know me and J we dont give the kids treats or soda. So we told them they had the choice of cupcakes or a cake their eyes lit up.

A nice walk to the store for their treats always turns into a 2 hour frenzy. Lets get this. Lets get that. I dont like that. I dont like this. E wants this. A wants this. And N doesnt like either. Its always fun going to the store no matter what. Since we dont see the kids that often they are always trying to jimmy gifts out of us. Rotten. Any-whoos they eventually decide. N gets a donut. E wants something but A doesnt want it so he gets something that makes her happy. What a good guy.

Dessert is served. All is happy. Kids are stuffed. At the store J got the kids sling shots. Their mother is going to love that, not… So. We get to the room. Clean up time. Clean up, everybody everywhere clean up clean up everybody do your share. Im sure you all remember that. Yes. We try and get the kids to all do their share. In the meantime J and I are also packing up. Its quiet. No one is questioning us every breaking second. Whew. Finally. Its a brief moment for us. Rooms cleaned. Dirty clothes are put away. Finally. Sling shots are sitting on the bed tempting the kids.

Kids. Go collect rocks for the sling shots. Kids run off and begin to collect rocks. Rocks are collected. We walk to the river and sling shot 101 training begins. A listened to J and picked the sling shot that was right. E and N want their own and later find out that they like A’s better. After about a bucket of rocks that were slinged and kids had fun the cold slinked in on us. We returned to the room and homework time began. Since the kids were in Disneyland earlier in the week and missed all week they were a little behind. E and N caught up in two days but A has a little more homework and still has a little to do tomorrow.

After homework. Boys go swimming, A and I go and get pedicures, go to the store and get hair dye and nail polish.

And then shit hits the fan. Dinner time. We get to dinner. Dinner is fine. Until the end.

N begins to start protesting, again… Im going home. Im going to go see my mom. We get to the car and N is ready. So like before E follows. Okay. Boys are going home, again. Today. We get to the hotel E and N come into the room and grab their stuff. A is pissed at them, and knows they are acting a fool. She tries to guilt trip them but its not working. Backfiring. I can tell E doesnt want to go but he is following suit. I push N out the door because he is clearly manipulating E. E still follows suit. Boys out the door. Fine. They have pulled this shit before.

In the meantime A and are dying her hair. Painting her nails. Enjoying the silence with Grown Ups. Shes loving the pamperness. And I love pampering her.

30 minutes later. J walks in with E and N. They slink in pissed off. Great. Not again.

30 more minutes of this bullshit continues. and Dad and I nip it in the butt. Over and done with. They are staying. Whew. finally. I have no more energy for this bullshit until N decides to argue and then the threatening begins. Time for bedtime. Its N’s fault. Kids are mad at N. Dont punish us. They are right. N cover your face the kids can watch the show.

25 minutes of tossing and turning. N replies No. I knew it.

I love these kids. They are rotten to the core. Threatening us every moment of everyday. But rotten and sweet. You make time. You make time for fun and time for discipline.

Sunrises=Pure Happiness in Bethel

Thank god is Over.

Storm before the calm

Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset
Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset

Nothing like a crazy Friday morning.

We got here Thursday morning and picked the kids up. We got out swimming in. Costumes created. And trick or treated until the boys were exhausted.

Then came evening time. “Your going to school tomorrow.” Cries, wails and tears were storming our tiny hotel room. After a few minutes of tears, tossing, and turning it was all snores and sheeps jumping over the fence.

Little did I know that it was going to be a stormy morning. A had school early before the boys and she was out the door with slight tears, and and all was well after fruit loops. A out the door with no problems. While my hubby was out with A at school I got up ate my breakfast and had my coffee before shit hit the fan.

7:30 am and a bomb went off in the tiny quarters. N got up with a slight fight but was immediately ready to get to breakfast. E had a complete meltdown mind you this was before the storm hit me like a wet towel across the face. I got E out of bed, dragged him out the door. Instead of following he silently protested in front of the door. So like the good step-mother that I am I carried him like a 2 year down to breakfast only for him to silently protest at the table. Fine. Dont eat breakfast. N ate his breakfast silently as he began to plot his big escape.

We see the kids 3-6 months because it costs us an arm and a leg. So when we do see them we try and get the most out of our visit. Their thinking since we dont see dad lets convince we dont have to go to school on Friday, even after we missed M-Thursday because they were in Disneyland. Plan failed, miserably. Friday was a mess. Not because they ate too much Halloween candy the night before. Because they had to go to school after being on vacation for the entire week. Big mistake.

Back to breakfast. E sits there whining, crying. N finishes his bowl, instead of throwing it away walks to another table and silently protests. In my attempt to get him to listen,” I dont want to have to spank you in front of all these people. Put your bowl away… Okay… We can wait here till you put it away…” After about a good 5 minutes N walks up, grabs his bowl and throws it away and immediately storms off in the direction of the room. In those good 5 minutes I had chompy mc-chomperson sitting next to me as she ate her food so the whole room could hear… Thats a big no no, one of my pet peeves eating your food like a cow. So that only added to my frustration. I get up and follow N, and E takes his sweet to follow me. Fine. Dont eat. Dont follow your loss.

Get to the room. N has his forehead pressed to the door. “N want me to open the door?” No response. “Okay we can wait here all morning or until dad gets back.” No response. At this point E is 5 doors down the hallway slithering down, taking his time. Silently protesting still. Okay N dont want to move so I decide to fart right in front of the door. N farts. E farts. All three of us are laughing at this point but then immediately they are back to their sour moods. Fine. Im not opening the door I dont want to smell my yucky fart. I give E the key to open the door. E puts his shirt over his nose and walks in, N follows and then me. N gets in the room, plops on his fold-away bed and immediately begins to kick, scream into the pillow and begins to cry. E following his older brother lays on the bed next to him and tries to formulate tears. And I am sitting here laughing at the huge theatrical performance my 2 step-sons are putting on for me.

Okay. Dont get dressed wait for dad. N still kicking and screaming. E still hiding behind the pillow still attempting to formulate tears. And here I am enjoying my hotel coffee which is not the best quality but better than nothing.

Dad walks in. I give him the scoop. He raises his voice and scares them with spanks and boys are moving and getting dressed. “Boys want a lunchable to bring to school?” N answers angerily, “No,” and then follows E with the same response. Fine. I understand you dont want lunchables because I paid for them and got them for you the night before at your request.

“Im not going to school,” N protests. E follows without words but body language. In the meantime dad is using the boys room and N throws on his hat and attempts to escape out the front door. Afraid he is going to get stuck outside in the cold at 8 am I grab him and bring in the middle of the room. Upset he goes and sits besides the bed on the floor and continues to silently protest. E follows. Mind you E doesnt usually act like this but because his brother is why not follow.

Dad still in the bathroom. N begins to plan his escape, again… Ugh. Fine. I can play this game too. Fakes right, fakes left, jumps on the bed. I let him get ahead and then grab him. At this point I am holding his arm and his leg against the bed requesting that he please stop he is only making a fool of himself. He complies and returns to his nesting spot.

Dad gets out of the bathroom asks me if I am taking them. “No I am not taking them after the fun morning. We can go together.”

“N & E want a lunchable?” No response, only angered disgusted looks. “Fine.”

Finally 8:30 we are out the door. That was a fun 30 minutes for me. Drive to school. N claims he is going to his mothers after school. E will follow.

Only. School gets done and the boys are find and dandy… I wait at the hotel room because A, dad and I wanted to trick the boys into thinking I got rid of all their halloween candy because the way they were acting in the morning. I set up the video camera and all.

The boys enter. Halloween candy bags that I made for them are laying empty on the bed. The boys come in. Dad asks them what they are supposed to say. They both apologize for the fun morning the three of us all shared. Then the trick begins.

I reply, “Oh sheeh. Now I feel bad I got rid of all your halloween candy because I didnt feel like you deserved them.”

Silence. N goes to the bathroom. E just sits on the floor. No reply. No answer. Go get your bags and fold them up and set them aside. I ask, “E are you mad at me?” “No, its okay.” Although I can tell hes upset with me. And N gets out and it looks like he is about to wrestle somebody into submission. No response.

We let this go on for about 10 minutes because the attitudes were again sour. My husband looks at me and mouths he cant handle it. I cant handle it either because they are too sour to the bone. So we tell them and E immediately smiles, and N still looks like he wants to choke me. This goes on for about 5 minutes and then finally a smile is cracked.

The school ride was silence. N says he wants to go see his mom. His mom is nicer and he can convince her that he doesnt have to go to school. E is pissy face the whole time through all this. The boys get to school I say my good byes. All I get back is sour faces and scowls. I know this isnt the last time that I am going to see them.

Schools out. They get to the hotel room. Both have these shy smiles on their face, I can see in their eyes they feel bad. They both apologize. And the day goes on as if nothing happened. Kids for you. I tell you they drive you crazy but you cant live without them.

Nobody said parenthood was easy and nobody said being a step-parent was easy either. As much as I wanted to spank the boys Friday morning, or actually throw their candy away I held back because I dont want them to remember me that way. I am hard on them in my own ways but I love them as if they are my own.

Friday was done and over with. We ended the evening with Enders Game. My husband and I dont believe in spending thousand of dollars on snacks and soda. So we bring in the kids bags of halloween candy, and bottles of water. Nothing like spending $35 on a movie for 3 kid and 2 adults. Cha-ching! Ultimate save!

Whew. Boy, am I glad Friday is over and done with. That was definately one for the bag to always remember.

Love these damn kids. Oh Happy Days.