It was hard to see her like that.
It has been a long time since I saw her and seeing her brought back a flood of awful memories and tears.
Tears rolled down my cheeks
I was angry.
I thought I was okay. I thought I was moving forward.
but seeing her again like that
brought me back to when I was an angry, angry teenager and I wanted to bury myself
into my obnoxiously loud music, scream into my pillow and escape. But escape where?
No matter where I go she’s there. she’s always there.
I feel like I will never be able to move on with my life until I completely cut her off.
Why do I have to feel like the bad guy?
All I am doing is trying to take care of myself. Better myself. Heal myself.
But I feel like the bad guy.
What is so wrong about trying to be healthy? Happy?
All my life she has tore me down. Called me the most horrific names and I am talking
horrific. Adults should never say those words, especially to their children. I don’t care
how intoxicated a person is they should never, ever call their children the names that my
mother has called me for almost my entire childhood, and adult life.
But it will always be hard to see her like that.
No matter the day.
I wrote the blog post above almost 3 years ago and couldn’t finish it. Thats how hard it was to see her that way. But thankfully I am in a much better place that I was then and have been able to move forward. For a long time I was stuck in the same place and I couldn’t seem to get past it. But I made it and everyday I work on getting better and better so that I can give my daughter and children the best possible life they deserve.
I can finally say that I am…
So quiet, I can finally hear my thoughts,
All it took was 15 pages of paper.
And then her.
That was it.
That was it? Thats all?
Why didnt I think of this sooner?
Restraining orders a blessing in disguise.
Maybe, just maybe I can finally start moving forward. Just maybe. Can it be possible?
Am I capable of living a normal life?
I dont know. All I know is I am…
Life has odd ways of throwing curve balls your way…
It makes you realize what you need to be grateful of
Yes, its December and its in the 40s and there is no snow
But I have a roof over my head
Food to feed my family
and firewood to keep them warm (if it ever gets cold again)
But no matter what.
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.
Reasons unknown. But…
You just go with the flow.
You dont stop.
You keep going because oddly, this was something that was supposed to happen.
Either it will make you stronger
break you down.
When life throws you curveballs
you dont just stand there and watch
You dont take the walk
You fight. And you swing hard.
Be grateful for life.
Be grateful for family.
Most of all be grateful that you have the strength to stand there and take whatever life throws at you.
As I rummaged thru the old boxes, suitcases, and totes filled with treasures my blood began to boil.
How could she have kept all this from me all these years?
Things that I could have been wearing.
Things that I could have been re-making.
Things that I could have kept safe from the mold…
But then I remembered how selfish she is.
How she wants to keep things from me, and how she has.
And she managed to steal things of mine that I use on the daily like my steel toe extra tuff boots.
Finding those boots just re-affirms my thoughts on how she is so selfish, and she will take things of mine just so I cant have them.
Fur hats that my brother and I wore as kids.
A fur hat I made in 2nd grade.
Mukluks that my gram made.
Pictures of some time ago.
Qaspeqs for days…
Knitted socks my gram made.
All stashed away just so I cant have them. Wear them. Or share them.
Thank goodness I was able to salvage them. And now I can take better care of them.
Life is too short to be selfish.
Give as much as you can. And take as much as you can.
There is no need for saving things. Use them now.
Whats the use of saving if your never going to use them?
Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.
How can this human being be my mother?
How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me
I will never
ever get over.
Staring at her is sickening.
I want to cry.
I want to puke.
I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then
see how she feels.
Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness
Living like this
Living like this with her toxicness is killing me
Piece by piece
I am slowly breaking
there will be
The days are getting shorter.
Nights getting darker.
The air, is cool, crisp and eerie.
An overwhelming feeling takes over my soul.
Winter is approaching. Slowly, but surely it will be here.
And then what.
Where will she go?
How will she survive?
Shes homeless. And has been for over 20 years.
She lives off the land of booze, food stamps, and government hand outs.
She has no regrets. No ambitions. No desires in life
just to get that one more bottle.
One more sip.
All it takes is one, single drop that can ruin a
One drop. She chooses that one drop over her entire
Once the bone chilling nights take over her being
Will she become a statue frozen to the ground?
Will she fall asleep soundly and become a beautiful snow angel, forever…
Time will only tell
Until then I will hold my breathe
Wait for the long future nights of
not quite yet.
Closer and closer.
Open water treading the frozen water pulls me down deeper and deeper wait.
She sees me wait. I can see it in her soft brown eyes I am no longer treading on thin ice.
I am engulfed in the river of madness
The river that openly takes souls left and right
Leaving behind warm hearts and loving bodies
But I am one of those many whose souls have been stolen.
Whose souls have been ripped out of life
I am no longer treading on thin ice
I am one of you.
lost among the riverbeds waiting to be found
My soul is lost.
And just like that within one heartbeat
one blink of an eye
one short, swallow, hot breath
my life is turned upside down
those three words that we long to hear
I love you
I hate you
All that work
All that hope
Everything down the drain
Secretly wishing it will clog and life will stand still
Those words slither back into my life
everything will be fine
shes still your mother
shes a good person
all I want to do is go back to that moment
the moment before everything drastically spiraled out of control
to that heartbeat if I could grasp it
or hold my breath just for a moment
things may be normal
and my life will return right side up
I am a fool for believing
A fool for wishing
And a fool for wasting empty tears
Life will never be normal.
I will always be upside down.
All blessings in disguise
You may argue
I will disagree
Without those late nights
I would be lost
I would be lost
Maybe even gone.
Because of these blessings
I am strong
I am happy
And I am fulfilled
Full of life and happiness
My blessings are your nightmares but
Without them I would not be where I am today,
When dealing with my alcoholic mother poetry always soothed my soul.
Late nights with my mind wandering all over the place I found it comforting to put my thoughts into beautiful wording. If I made it beautiful maybe it would help? And it sure did.
Addiction is real. Addiction is real hard. And real sad. Its tough dealing with at 5 years old, and is still hard at 26. How do you move on? How do you not worry? Its impossible. As much as I want to not think of her. Worry about her. My mind always seems to wander back to her. Is she okay? Is she alive?
How do you handle it? What helps you? For me it seems openly talking about it, and writing about it. I know I am not the only one. I am sure there are hundreds. Millions. Out there that are in my same shoes. Speak up. You are not alone.