It was hard.

It was hard to see her like that.

It has been a long time since I saw her and seeing her brought back a flood of awful memories and tears.

Tears rolled down my cheeks

I was angry.

Again.

why?

I thought I was okay. I thought I was moving forward.

but seeing her again like that

brought me back to when I was an angry, angry teenager and I wanted to bury myself

into my obnoxiously loud music, scream into my pillow and escape. But escape where?

No matter where I go she’s there. she’s always there.

I feel like I will never be able to move on with my life until I completely cut her off.

But why?

Why do I have to feel like the bad guy?

All I am doing is trying to take care of myself. Better myself. Heal myself.

But I feel like the bad guy.

What is so wrong about trying to be healthy? Happy?

All my life she has tore me down. Called me the most horrific names and I am talking

horrific. Adults should never say those words, especially to their children. I don’t care

how intoxicated a person is they should never, ever call their children the names that my

mother has called me for almost my entire childhood, and adult life.

But it will always be hard to see her like that.

No matter the day.

The time.

Place.

I wrote the blog post above almost 3 years ago and couldn’t finish it. Thats how hard it was to see her that way. But thankfully I am in a much better place that I was then and have been able to move forward. For a long time I was stuck in the same place and I couldn’t seem to get past it. But I made it and everyday I work on getting better and better so that I can give my daughter and children the best possible life they deserve.

 

 

I can finally say…

I can finally say that I am…

Happy. 

Peaceful. 

Its quiet. 

So quiet, I can finally hear my thoughts, 

dreams, 

wishes, 

wants, 

and

hopes. 

Imagine that. 

All it took was 15 pages of paper. 

My signature.

A courtoom. 

Judge. 

Me. 

And then her. 

That was it.

Really?

That was it? Thats all?

Why didnt I think of this sooner?

Restraining orders a blessing in disguise. 

Maybe, just maybe I can finally start moving forward. Just maybe. Can it be possible?

Am I capable of living a normal life? 

Whats normal? 

I dont know. All I know is I am…

Comfortable.

Happy. 

Amazing. 

Happy
Happy.

 

 

Odd ways

Life has odd ways of throwing curve balls your way…

It makes you realize what you need to be grateful of

Yes, its December and its in the 40s and there is no snow

But I have a roof over my head

Food to feed my family

and firewood to keep them warm (if it ever gets cold again)

But no matter what.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

Reasons unknown. But…

You just go with the flow.

You dont stop.

You keep going because oddly, this was something that was supposed to happen.

Either it will make you stronger

or

break you down.

Either way.

Keep going.

When life throws you curveballs

you dont just stand there and watch

You dont take the walk

You fight. And you swing hard.

Be grateful for life.

Be grateful for family.

Most of all be grateful that you have the strength to stand there and take whatever life throws at you.

Treasures from long ago…

As I rummaged thru the old boxes, suitcases, and totes filled with treasures my blood began to boil.

How could she have kept all this from me all these years?

Things that I could have been wearing.

Things that I could have been re-making.

Things that I could have kept safe from the mold…

But then I remembered how selfish she is.

How she wants to keep things from me, and how she has.

And she managed to steal things of mine that I use on the daily like my steel toe extra tuff boots.

Finding those boots just re-affirms my thoughts on how she is so selfish, and she will take things of mine just so I cant have them.

Fur hats that my brother and I wore as kids.

A fur hat I made in 2nd grade.

Mukluks that my gram made.

Ivory earrings.

Pictures of some time ago.

Qaspeqs for days…

Knitted socks my gram made.

All stashed away just so I cant have them. Wear them. Or share them.

Thank goodness I was able to salvage them. And now I can take better care of them.

Life is too short to be selfish.

Give as much as you can. And take as much as you can.

There is no need for saving things. Use them now.

The treasures from long ago. Thank goodness I found them.

Whats the use of saving if your never going to use them?

Breaking pieces of my soul

Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.

So cold.

So strange.

So dark.

How can this human being be my mother?

How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me

for

reasons

I will never

know,

understand

Or

ever get over.

Staring at her is sickening.

I want to cry.

I want to puke.

I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then

just then

see how she feels.

Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness

Living like this

Living like this with her toxicness is killing me

Piece by piece

I am slowly breaking

until

there will be

nothing

left

of

my

happy

loving

soul.

Dark hopeless nights

The days are getting shorter.

Nights getting darker.

The air, is cool, crisp and eerie.

An overwhelming feeling takes over my soul.

Winter is approaching. Slowly, but surely it will be here.

And then what.

Where will she go?

How will she survive?

Shes homeless. And has been for over 20 years.

She lives off the land of booze, food stamps, and government hand outs.

She has no regrets. No ambitions. No desires in life

But

just to get that one more bottle.

One more sip.

Thats it.

All it takes is one, single drop that can ruin a

life

marriage

friendship

One drop. She chooses that one drop over her entire

family…

Once the bone chilling nights take over her being

Then what?

Will she become a statue frozen to the ground?

Will she fall asleep soundly and become a beautiful snow angel, forever…

Time will only tell

Until then I will hold my breathe

and

Wait for the long future nights of

sleeplessness

worry

anger

depression

Treading on thin ice

Frozen

not quite yet.

Ice crackles

Closer and closer.

Open water treading the frozen water pulls me down deeper and deeper wait.

She sees me wait. I can see it in her soft brown eyes I am no longer treading on thin ice.

I am engulfed in the river of madness

The river that openly takes souls left and right

Leaving behind warm hearts and loving bodies

But I am one of those many whose souls have been stolen.

Whose souls have been ripped out of life

I am no longer treading on thin ice

I am one of you.

lost among the riverbeds waiting to be found

My soul is lost.

Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim
Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim

In a blink of an eye…

And just like that within one heartbeat

one blink of an eye

one short, swallow, hot breath

my life is turned upside down

those three words that we long to hear

I love you

turn to

I hate you

All that work

All that hope

Everything down the drain

Secretly wishing it will clog and life will stand still

just

for

A

moment

Yet again.

Those words slither back into my life

everything will be fine

shes still your mother

shes a good person

all I want to do is go back to that moment

the moment before everything drastically spiraled out of control

to that heartbeat if I could grasp it

or hold my breath just for a moment

things may be normal

and my life will return right side up

foolish.

I am a fool for believing

A fool for wishing

And a fool for wasting empty tears

Life will never be normal.

I will always be upside down.