It was hard to see her like that.
It has been a long time since I saw her and seeing her brought back a flood of awful memories and tears.
Tears rolled down my cheeks
I was angry.
I thought I was okay. I thought I was moving forward.
but seeing her again like that
brought me back to when I was an angry, angry teenager and I wanted to bury myself
into my obnoxiously loud music, scream into my pillow and escape. But escape where?
No matter where I go she’s there. she’s always there.
I feel like I will never be able to move on with my life until I completely cut her off.
Why do I have to feel like the bad guy?
All I am doing is trying to take care of myself. Better myself. Heal myself.
But I feel like the bad guy.
What is so wrong about trying to be healthy? Happy?
All my life she has tore me down. Called me the most horrific names and I am talking
horrific. Adults should never say those words, especially to their children. I don’t care
how intoxicated a person is they should never, ever call their children the names that my
mother has called me for almost my entire childhood, and adult life.
But it will always be hard to see her like that.
No matter the day.
I wrote the blog post above almost 3 years ago and couldn’t finish it. Thats how hard it was to see her that way. But thankfully I am in a much better place that I was then and have been able to move forward. For a long time I was stuck in the same place and I couldn’t seem to get past it. But I made it and everyday I work on getting better and better so that I can give my daughter and children the best possible life they deserve.