Lets just say its been a busy couple of months for me…
I have somewhat become addicted to sewing…. Its been a busy few months for me on the sewing machine, in the office, and at home dealing with home life.
My mother never fails to pop into my life when I least expect it, and when I welcome it the least. She has the worst timing. She manages to step into my life and stomp me further into the ground. Her drunken voice boils my blood. Her laughter makes me want to strangle her soul. Its amazing what one phone call can do to my well being. It brings me back to a damn spiral of anger and disgust. And in the moments what I wouldnt do to hurt her with all my might. But then I realize shes nothing to me. Shes been dead to me for years and I just need to let it go like a dead fly. Moments like those rotten phone calls remind me that I will never heal until she has left this earth for good.
Until then I just keep on kicking. Keep on breathing. Keep on moving.
Ive lost 4 uncles and many more cousins, and friends.
But its crazy to think that I have lost 4 uncles in 4 years. 2 uncles just last year. How unlucky am I?
Its difficult to reflect back on pictures and memories and to really grasp that fact that they are gone. Gone forever. Its a painful thought that I often feel when it comes to my mother. But its different for family members that actually care about you, and not treat you like dirt.
One phone call. One letter. One post card. I would give anything for just one more phone call to hear their voices, and their laughter.
Cherish those family members that are still alive. I know it may seem hypocritical of me because I have no relations with my mother, and I refuse to make an effort. But its my way of healing and dealing with her bullshit. I refuse to put myself back in the fire only to be burned for the millionth time. I refuse to be called a bitch, and a whore by someone who brought me into this joyous world. I wont have it.
All I have our the happy memories. Happy memories in Michigan. Happy memories in Nunapitchuk. I can smile and remember them, and cry and remember them. They will always be apart of me.
Tell your loved one you love them often as possible. Make that phone call. Write that letter. Just because they are distant relatives, or uncles and aunts you never talk to hardly make that effort. In the end they are still family.
Between uncles passing many other cousins, and friends have passed. Its crazy to look back and think of all those that have passed before me. Sad. But it is what it is.
Even though my mother is still alive I would give anything to have my uncles still here to this day. Who wants heartbreak, and being dragged in the mud with all kinds of nasty names spit on you as you pass by?