Treading on thin ice

Frozen

not quite yet.

Ice crackles

Closer and closer.

Open water treading the frozen water pulls me down deeper and deeper wait.

She sees me wait. I can see it in her soft brown eyes I am no longer treading on thin ice.

I am engulfed in the river of madness

The river that openly takes souls left and right

Leaving behind warm hearts and loving bodies

But I am one of those many whose souls have been stolen.

Whose souls have been ripped out of life

I am no longer treading on thin ice

I am one of you.

lost among the riverbeds waiting to be found

My soul is lost.

Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim
Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim

In a blink of an eye…

And just like that within one heartbeat

one blink of an eye

one short, swallow, hot breath

my life is turned upside down

those three words that we long to hear

I love you

turn to

I hate you

All that work

All that hope

Everything down the drain

Secretly wishing it will clog and life will stand still

just

for

A

moment

Yet again.

Those words slither back into my life

everything will be fine

shes still your mother

shes a good person

all I want to do is go back to that moment

the moment before everything drastically spiraled out of control

to that heartbeat if I could grasp it

or hold my breath just for a moment

things may be normal

and my life will return right side up

foolish.

I am a fool for believing

A fool for wishing

And a fool for wasting empty tears

Life will never be normal.

I will always be upside down.

Blessing in Disguise

Sleepless nights

Rude awakenings

Helpless cries

All blessings in disguise

You may argue

I will disagree

Without those late nights

And

Early mornings

I would be lost

I would be lost

Shattered

Broken

Maybe even gone.

Because of these blessings

I am strong

I am happy

And I am fulfilled

Full of life and happiness

My blessings are your nightmares but

Without them I would not be where I am today,

Happy

When dealing with my alcoholic mother poetry always soothed my soul.

Late nights with my mind wandering all over the place I found it comforting to put my thoughts into beautiful wording. If I made it beautiful maybe it would help? And it sure did.

Addiction is real. Addiction is real hard. And real sad. Its tough dealing with at 5 years old, and is still hard at 26. How do you move on? How do you not worry? Its impossible. As much as I want to not think of her. Worry about her. My mind always seems to wander back to her. Is she okay? Is she alive?

How do you handle it? What helps you? For me it seems openly talking about it, and writing about it. I know I am not the only one. I am sure there are hundreds. Millions. Out there that are in my same shoes. Speak up. You are not alone.

This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.
This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.

Never have I ever…

Never have I ever heard parenting was…

Easy.

Simple.

Straight-forward.

A piece of cake.

Never have I ever thought parenting involved…

Placing your child in front of a television to keep them “entertained.”

Choosing work over your child.

Choosing partying over your child.

I dont have children, but have I have 4 amazing step-children. The oldest lives at home and is a 16 year old teenage boy. Its not easy and everyday is an uphill battle but I continue to try. The three others live with their mother. Any chance we get we go and spend time with them. Phones set aside unless they are playing on them. Our attention is given to them 110%. Stories are read. Games are played. Hugs are given. I loves you are said often. We are present in the moment with them and it feels amazing. Those days spent with them are treasured and we count down the days until our next visit.

Its not easy to see them because of where we live. We live in a remote community 400 miles west of Anchorage. Our plane tickets round-trip are $400 each. To get a place to stay over the weekend costs us another $400. And then you calculate food our trip is easily $1500 if not more. Thats not including our cost of living here in my hometown of Bethel. Mortgage $1000, internet/cable/cell phones/home phone $450, electricty $120, fuel $350, water/sewer $100, and then you include groceries, and gas thats another $1500 a month easily. As you can see its pretty difficult, and you may ask why live here? Well my step son is graduating in 2 years and he has made this his home. It would be awfully hard to uproot him. So in the meantime we will tough it out and live out every moment to the fullest.

Parenting takes work, attention, love, guidance, fun and more. So put down your phones. Take the time and have fun.

Parenting is tough and it involves every part of your being. They need direction, guidance, love, and attention. They need direction to follow the right, or better path. They need guidance and advice. They need to be told “I love you,” everyday, and they need to be showered with love. They need to be given attention and played with.

What they dont need is to be placed in front of a television, given a phone to play with for hours at a time. They are the priority.

I know as a child of alcoholic. My mother chose booze over me my whole life. Its sad I have witnessed this type of treatment first hand. It kills me to see it happen…

Think about others. Think about your children. Dont place priority on a jug, or others.

Children should always be placed first before anything else.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love. What is it? 

Oh yeah, its that love when you can say whatever you want, do whatever you, and treat people however you want and then tell them you love them unconditional. You can emotional, physically, and mentally abuse them and still say that you love them unconditionally. You can call them a bitch. You can threaten to  beat them up. You can say horrible awful things that will be implanted into their tiny little beings and still say you love them unconditionally. You can break personal belongings in their room. You can call them a hundred times in the middle of the night when they have school the next morning. You can barge into the house in the middle of the night hollering like a mad cow. You can use, abuse and manipulate tiny little beings. Fighting, cussing, hollering, and name-calling. 

But. 

You can say I love you unconditional despite what you called me the night before. What you did the night before that. What you did the week before that. What you did a year before that. What you did 10 years after that. 

No. 

I love you unconditionally so lets erase the past. Lets erase all that I have done and start fresh because its that easy. Its easy to forget that you called me an asshole, bitch, fucker, oh and tell me other things that mothers should never tell their daughters. Let me try and forget all that because you love me unconditionally. 

Unconditional love does not apply to the love that my mother. Unconditional love does not involve all the things that I have listed. It does not involve all the horrendous experiences I have had with her. 

I cringe at the sound of unconditional love. 

There is no such thing as unconditional love. You either love me. Or you dont. 

Dont treat me like a piece of trash, stomp on me, belittle me and make me feel like I wasnt adequate enough because you are nobody. You played no part in my upbringing. Loving unconditionally is not a thing.

So stop saying it. I never want to hear those 2 words, ever.

Never will I ever mutter those words to my children. To my friends. To my family. Unconditional love doesnt exist.