Small town Yupik girl living her dream one stitch at a time.
Lets just say its been a busy few months of harvesting berries and greens, sewing like a maniac, and taking time to breathe.
But here is what I what I have whipped up so far. Its been a crazy few months but as winter is approaching I will be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Nothing like feeling rich with good food, friends, and family.
My heart is happy.
I can finally say that I am…
Happy.
Peaceful.
Its quiet.
So quiet, I can finally hear my thoughts,
dreams,
wishes,
wants,
and
hopes.
Imagine that.
All it took was 15 pages of paper.
My signature.
A courtoom.
Judge.
Me.
And then her.
That was it.
Really?
That was it? Thats all?
Why didnt I think of this sooner?
Restraining orders a blessing in disguise.
Maybe, just maybe I can finally start moving forward. Just maybe. Can it be possible?
Am I capable of living a normal life?
Whats normal?
I dont know. All I know is I am…
Comfortable.
Happy.
Amazing.
Allow yourself to experience joy. Believe it or not, I know way too many people who don’t allow themselves to have fun. And they don’t even know how to be happy. Some people are actually addicted to their problems and the chaos in them so much that they wouldn’t even know who they are without them. So try to allow yourself to be happy! Even if it’s just for a small moment, it’s important to focus on joy, not your hardships.
5:30 morning phone calls that boil my blood
sewing
sewing
and more sewing
I will elaborate on my fun 5:30 am phone call. Everyone wants that phone call. You want that phone tell, let me tell you. It starts your morning out with a bang.
6 Qaspeqs
in
6 days! Was fun and fun! Tiring but fun!
They turned out amazing!
Miss Megan Leary is representing our Kuskokwim region as I type!
Check out my handy dandy work! These qaspeqs were beautiful and I had a good time sewing them!
Hope you enjoy my work!
5:30 phone calls cant bring me down as long as I keep pushing.
5:30 comes and goes everyday twice a day and I remind myself I am better than that. I am better than her. I am a stronger person. I dont deserve to be rudely awakened at 5:30 am to be cussed out and called all sorts of nasty names at such an early hour. I am a better and stronger person.
Ring, ring
Its 5:30 wake up.
Ring, ring
Hurry its 5:30 wake up
Oh, must be important.
5:30 wake up calls are unusual.
Oh, wait am I 7 again? or 10? or 14?
I remember those awful calls.
Dad unplugging the phone.
Me unplugging the phone.
Who else would be waking me at an ungodly hour.
Ring, ring.
Maybe if I ignore it she will hang up.
Nope
On comes the answering machine
and there it is
that
dreadful
awful
voice
its her…
My blood is boiling, the tears are swelling, and the assholes, bitches, mother effer’s come out
its 5:30 why not
lets start the morning off right.
Nothing but F you’s and you stupid B’s and all that jazz.
5:30
Oh how I hate you
I hate those memories
those horrible tired mornings
You stupid B just rot in hell please and leave me be
Because 5:30 comes and goes
but her
shes always there
waiting for the next morning to
call
harrass
and
ruin
my
life
one
day
at
a
time.
Thanks mom!
Did I mention that I hate you.. Yup, sure do.
So bring it on 5:30 I’ll be ready.
Its nights like these where,
I wonder if anything is ever going to get better…
Its nights like these where,
I wonder if I am ever going to be able to move forward with my life…
Its nights like these where,
I wonder when its going to stop, the calls, the texts, the anger, the hatred…
Angerness fills my soul in moments like these,
Its moments like these where I want to just want to run away…
Run away from her.
Run away from the anger, and the sadness.
Tiring.
Tiring to have these feelings and emotions day after day, night after night.
I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces, and never have the chance to be put together.
Hatred text messages dont solve the problem.
Telling someone you hate them over, and over again doesnt solve the problem.
Telling yourself you are over her and dont need her wont solve the problem.
Nothing will ever solve the problem,
until
she
is
gone
for
good
Until then, I guess I can be fine.
Just fine.
Lets just say its been a busy couple of months for me…
I have somewhat become addicted to sewing…. Its been a busy few months for me on the sewing machine, in the office, and at home dealing with home life.
My mother never fails to pop into my life when I least expect it, and when I welcome it the least. She has the worst timing. She manages to step into my life and stomp me further into the ground. Her drunken voice boils my blood. Her laughter makes me want to strangle her soul. Its amazing what one phone call can do to my well being. It brings me back to a damn spiral of anger and disgust. And in the moments what I wouldnt do to hurt her with all my might. But then I realize shes nothing to me. Shes been dead to me for years and I just need to let it go like a dead fly. Moments like those rotten phone calls remind me that I will never heal until she has left this earth for good.
Until then I just keep on kicking. Keep on breathing. Keep on moving.
Its been 4 years.
Ive lost 4 uncles and many more cousins, and friends.
But its crazy to think that I have lost 4 uncles in 4 years. 2 uncles just last year. How unlucky am I?
Its difficult to reflect back on pictures and memories and to really grasp that fact that they are gone. Gone forever. Its a painful thought that I often feel when it comes to my mother. But its different for family members that actually care about you, and not treat you like dirt.
One phone call. One letter. One post card. I would give anything for just one more phone call to hear their voices, and their laughter.
Cherish those family members that are still alive. I know it may seem hypocritical of me because I have no relations with my mother, and I refuse to make an effort. But its my way of healing and dealing with her bullshit. I refuse to put myself back in the fire only to be burned for the millionth time. I refuse to be called a bitch, and a whore by someone who brought me into this joyous world. I wont have it.
All I have our the happy memories. Happy memories in Michigan. Happy memories in Nunapitchuk. I can smile and remember them, and cry and remember them. They will always be apart of me.
Tell your loved one you love them often as possible. Make that phone call. Write that letter. Just because they are distant relatives, or uncles and aunts you never talk to hardly make that effort. In the end they are still family.
Between uncles passing many other cousins, and friends have passed. Its crazy to look back and think of all those that have passed before me. Sad. But it is what it is.
Even though my mother is still alive I would give anything to have my uncles still here to this day. Who wants heartbreak, and being dragged in the mud with all kinds of nasty names spit on you as you pass by?
I know I dont.
Im 4 days in. Day one was great energized and motivated. Day 4 not soo much. The last few days havent been any different from normal. No bursts of energy, no motivation. Honestly I felt better when I just was just juicing.
Today is rest day I have been going HAM at the gym and non-stop! The first 3 days Ive been in the gym running, and lifting. My muscles hate me but I am definately starting to see a change.
The shakes. The morning supplements. The Isalean bars. All that jazz I have been following religiously but no major changes. I am hoping that will change and I will start feeling that amazing energy and motivation that all the Isagenix fanatics talk about 🙂
Feeling helpful!
Nothing out of the ordinary today. Started my morning out usual with the shake, vitamins BUT no coffee amazingly!
The shake kept me going strong till about 2 pm and I finally needed to grab a quick bite. But then hit the wall after eating, oddly enough.
No changes in mood, energy levels, or motivation.
Actually came home today and struggled to go work out but I did and felt even more pooped afterwards.
So maybe my body is adjusting to the Isagenix. Im hoping. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day with more energy 🙂
A few weeks ago I decided to go all in and try a new product to increase my energy, motivation, and muscle mass.
I usually dont go for products, and try to do it the old fashion way. BUT. Its been too long. Ive been tired, and fatigued daily. SO. I did the jump and decided to try this new product Isagenix.
Now I know your probably thinking its another one of those diet weight loss products that dont give any results, and like throwing money down the drain. BUT let me tell you.
Its day 1. I started my morning off with an Isalean Pro shake with peanut butter, and yogurt and some morning supplements. Now let me tell you that I have the toughest time taking pills so I struggled sucking down the morning supplements but I did it. I didnt need a cup of coffee till about 9:30 am which is unusual for me considering if I dont have my first cup at 7:30 the pounding starts and does not stop. I stayed about full until 2 pm which is another amazing thing. Usually I need to eat about every 3-4 hours since my metabolism is crazy fast. Afternoon snack was a 6 inch subway sandwich. Thank goodness I was off work at 3:45, and hit the gym at 4:45 pm.
Before my workout I popped one of the Energy e+ shots and immediately had a burst of energy! My workout consisted of 25 minutes on the treadmill, and lunges, and lunge kicks with 25 pound weights, and dumbbell curls with 25 lb weights.
And THEN as I got home another burst of energy came out which is crazy! I usually never have this much energy after work. I would have to think that maybe this Isagenix is starting to work its magic. A replishment shake, and Ionix supreme powder were replacement drinks after the workout.
Dinner consisted of baked salmon, corn, and lentils with rice. Overall I would say day 1 has gone fairly smooth besides the hiccups in the morning. I definately feel that my energy levels after work were much higher than any other day.
I am trying out this product to increase my energy levels, motivation, and to try build a little mass. I am not overweight but I am ready to make some life changes.
Here are my before photos I am hoping in the 30 days I will lose the love handles, and build muscle mass 🙂
If any of this interests you, you can check out my website and browse!
I also forgot to mention I finished the fish skin purse, well almost! I still need to add the beads to it. But heres a preview!
Welcome to the life of Sew Yupik 