Its nights like…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if anything is ever going to get better…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to move forward with my life…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder when its going to stop, the calls, the texts, the anger, the hatred…

Angerness fills my soul in moments like these,

Its moments like these where I want to just want to run away…

Run away from her.

Run away from the anger, and the sadness.

Tiring.

Tiring to have these feelings and emotions day after day, night after night.

I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces, and never have the chance to be put together.

Hatred text messages dont solve the problem.

Telling someone you hate them over, and over again doesnt solve the problem.

Telling yourself you are over her and dont need her wont solve the problem.

Nothing will ever solve the problem,

until

she

is

gone

for

good

Until then, I guess I can be fine.

Just fine.

 

Thankul Thanksgiving

As I sti here and reflect on what to be thankful for…

The phone rang.

and of course it was her.

Do I answer?

Yes. I answer and then

I hung up.

Why is it that she can just up and call me just because its THANKSGIVING.

A day that we are suppose to be thankful for everything and everyone.

But seeing her name on the caller ID made my blood boil, and I felt the tears building up…

She cant do that. She cant think that just because its a holiday she can call me say thanksgiving, tell me how much she loves me, and then act as if nothing happened. Its wrong.

What goes thru her head? I just dont get it.

And then I instantly regretted hanging up. I wanted to tell her how awful she was. How she ruined my childhood. How she cant keep doing this to me. Bringing me back to this dark, awful, cold place. A place of hate of anger. I wanted to tell her all the awful things that shes said to me. Only…

I know what would happen. She would get upset. She wouldnt listen. She would get angry with me. And then she would drink. And it would be all my fault. She would blame me the next time she saw me with those piercing evil eyes.

So its better I dont answer. Its better I dont tell her anything. Its better that I just dont bother.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who keeps me grounded. And my amazing father who has been my rock and my best friend in my early on years… And he still is 🙂

Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.
Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.

I am also thankful I didnt leave the giblets, or the neck in the turkey this year.

I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.
I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.

I am thankful I am able to move forward, and leave the past and the negativity in the past.

I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.
I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.

I am thankful that my dog likes beer.

:)
Mac has problems 🙂

I forgot to mention I am thankful that I lived to be 27 years young. Heres to another 73 I hope…

What are you thankful for?

Breaking pieces of my soul

Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.

So cold.

So strange.

So dark.

How can this human being be my mother?

How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me

for

reasons

I will never

know,

understand

Or

ever get over.

Staring at her is sickening.

I want to cry.

I want to puke.

I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then

just then

see how she feels.

Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness

Living like this

Living like this with her toxicness is killing me

Piece by piece

I am slowly breaking

until

there will be

nothing

left

of

my

happy

loving

soul.