Odd ways

Life has odd ways of throwing curve balls your way…

It makes you realize what you need to be grateful of

Yes, its December and its in the 40s and there is no snow

But I have a roof over my head

Food to feed my family

and firewood to keep them warm (if it ever gets cold again)

But no matter what.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

Reasons unknown. But…

You just go with the flow.

You dont stop.

You keep going because oddly, this was something that was supposed to happen.

Either it will make you stronger

or

break you down.

Either way.

Keep going.

When life throws you curveballs

you dont just stand there and watch

You dont take the walk

You fight. And you swing hard.

Be grateful for life.

Be grateful for family.

Most of all be grateful that you have the strength to stand there and take whatever life throws at you.

Treasures from long ago…

As I rummaged thru the old boxes, suitcases, and totes filled with treasures my blood began to boil.

How could she have kept all this from me all these years?

Things that I could have been wearing.

Things that I could have been re-making.

Things that I could have kept safe from the mold…

But then I remembered how selfish she is.

How she wants to keep things from me, and how she has.

And she managed to steal things of mine that I use on the daily like my steel toe extra tuff boots.

Finding those boots just re-affirms my thoughts on how she is so selfish, and she will take things of mine just so I cant have them.

Fur hats that my brother and I wore as kids.

A fur hat I made in 2nd grade.

Mukluks that my gram made.

Ivory earrings.

Pictures of some time ago.

Qaspeqs for days…

Knitted socks my gram made.

All stashed away just so I cant have them. Wear them. Or share them.

Thank goodness I was able to salvage them. And now I can take better care of them.

Life is too short to be selfish.

Give as much as you can. And take as much as you can.

There is no need for saving things. Use them now.

The treasures from long ago. Thank goodness I found them.

Whats the use of saving if your never going to use them?

Thankul Thanksgiving

As I sti here and reflect on what to be thankful for…

The phone rang.

and of course it was her.

Do I answer?

Yes. I answer and then

I hung up.

Why is it that she can just up and call me just because its THANKSGIVING.

A day that we are suppose to be thankful for everything and everyone.

But seeing her name on the caller ID made my blood boil, and I felt the tears building up…

She cant do that. She cant think that just because its a holiday she can call me say thanksgiving, tell me how much she loves me, and then act as if nothing happened. Its wrong.

What goes thru her head? I just dont get it.

And then I instantly regretted hanging up. I wanted to tell her how awful she was. How she ruined my childhood. How she cant keep doing this to me. Bringing me back to this dark, awful, cold place. A place of hate of anger. I wanted to tell her all the awful things that shes said to me. Only…

I know what would happen. She would get upset. She wouldnt listen. She would get angry with me. And then she would drink. And it would be all my fault. She would blame me the next time she saw me with those piercing evil eyes.

So its better I dont answer. Its better I dont tell her anything. Its better that I just dont bother.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who keeps me grounded. And my amazing father who has been my rock and my best friend in my early on yearsโ€ฆ And he still is ๐Ÿ™‚

Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.
Did I mention I love to sew? I am thankful that I am learning to sew and want to sew.

I am also thankful I didnt leave the giblets, or the neck in the turkey this year.

I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.
I am thankful for the internet and the ability read instructions.

I am thankful I am able to move forward, and leave the past and the negativity in the past.

I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.
I am thankful for sewing, and my patience to sit for LONG periods of time.

I am thankful that my dog likes beer.

:)
Mac has problems ๐Ÿ™‚

I forgot to mention I am thankful that I lived to be 27 years young. Heres to another 73 I hope…

What are you thankful for?

Breaking pieces of my soul

Looking into her eyes is like staring down a black tunnel.

So cold.

So strange.

So dark.

How can this human being be my mother?

How is it possible that she brought me into this world only to abandon me

for

reasons

I will never

know,

understand

Or

ever get over.

Staring at her is sickening.

I want to cry.

I want to puke.

I want to take her, throw her down, stomp on her and then

just then

see how she feels.

Because that has been my life since day 1 of her sickness

Living like this

Living like this with her toxicness is killing me

Piece by piece

I am slowly breaking

until

there will be

nothing

left

of

my

happy

loving

soul.

Dark hopeless nights

The days are getting shorter.

Nights getting darker.

The air, is cool, crisp and eerie.

An overwhelming feeling takes over my soul.

Winter is approaching. Slowly, but surely it will be here.

And then what.

Where will she go?

How will she survive?

Shes homeless. And has been for over 20 years.

She lives off the land of booze, food stamps, and government hand outs.

She has no regrets. No ambitions. No desires in life

But

just to get that one more bottle.

One more sip.

Thats it.

All it takes is one, single drop that can ruin a

life

marriage

friendship

One drop. She chooses that one drop over her entire

family…

Once the bone chilling nights take over her being

Then what?

Will she become a statue frozen to the ground?

Will she fall asleep soundly and become a beautiful snow angel, forever…

Time will only tell

Until then I will hold my breathe

and

Wait for the long future nights of

sleeplessness

worry

anger

depression

Treading on thin ice

Frozen

not quite yet.

Ice crackles

Closer and closer.

Open water treading the frozen water pulls me down deeper and deeper wait.

She sees me wait. I can see it in her soft brown eyes I am no longer treading on thin ice.

I am engulfed in the river of madness

The river that openly takes souls left and right

Leaving behind warm hearts and loving bodies

But I am one of those many whose souls have been stolen.

Whose souls have been ripped out of life

I am no longer treading on thin ice

I am one of you.

lost among the riverbeds waiting to be found

My soul is lost.

Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim
Beautiful Bethel Kuskokwim

Holiday Sadnesses

As the holidays are nearing I feel a sadness begin to overwhelm my soul.

I cant remember the last time that I spent a holiday with my mother…

I know I am an adult and I have my own family, and I shouldnt want her around as much… But considering the last Christmas that she spent with us was maybe 10 years ago or longer… I can probably count on my fingers the number of Christmas’s and Thanksgivings’s, birthday’s that she has spent with my brother, dad and myself and I am 26. Not a whole damn lot.

As a kid its saddening. I can remember crying myself to sleep some nights because of the unknowns. Why didnt she want to spend Christmas with us? Would she be at my birthday? Will she spend Thanksgiving with us? Year after year the same depressing feelings.

Now. I cant even stand to be in the same room with her. In and out of jail for reasons unknown. The moment she gets out of jail or the half-way house shes all smiles and hugs as if nothing happened. As if she didnt call me a bitch. Or threaten me. Or whatever she does. Nothing. Everything is sparkles and ponies. Bull. It sickens me to my stomach. How can a human being be so stupid? Shes a fucking idiot. Yes shes mother and blah blah blah. And shes sick. And has a disease. Yes. She is all those things but she is not trying. She thinks she can apologize for calling me a bitch and everything be fine without actually taking into consideration my feelings, and emotions. She must think, Oh I can just apologize, tell her I love her unconditionally and everything is kosher.

There is no room in my heart for my mother. Until she decides she wants help and wants to get better. Then maybe. Then maybe then I will make a spot for her but until then she is nothing to me.

No human being gets a pass for that kind of behavior. I mean give me a break shes in her mid 60s and has been a raging alcholic since I was like 4 years old. 22 years of homelessness, drunk, calling your daughter all names in the book that no child should ever have to hear. Sickening.

My holiday sadness is no more. After writing this and getting my blood boiling and getting myself irritated I dont have no sadness for her. She has played the victim card for 22 years. Go spend your holiday on the streets with a bottle of R & R.

Storm before the calm

Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset
Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset

Nothing like a crazy Friday morning.

We got here Thursday morning and picked the kids up. We got out swimming in. Costumes created. And trick or treated until the boys were exhausted.

Then came evening time. “Your going to school tomorrow.” Cries, wails and tears were storming our tiny hotel room. After a few minutes of tears, tossing, and turning it was all snores and sheeps jumping over the fence.

Little did I know that it was going to be a stormy morning. A had school early before the boys and she was out the door with slight tears, and and all was well after fruit loops. A out the door with no problems. While my hubby was out with A at school I got up ate my breakfast and had my coffee before shit hit the fan.

7:30 am and a bomb went off in the tiny quarters. N got up with a slight fight but was immediately ready to get to breakfast. E had a complete meltdown mind you this was before the storm hit me like a wet towel across the face. I got E out of bed, dragged him out the door. Instead of following he silently protested in front of the door. So like the good step-mother that I am I carried him like a 2 year down to breakfast only for him to silently protest at the table. Fine. Dont eat breakfast. N ate his breakfast silently as he began to plot his big escape.

We see the kids 3-6 months because it costs us an arm and a leg. So when we do see them we try and get the most out of our visit. Their thinking since we dont see dad lets convince we dont have to go to school on Friday, even after we missed M-Thursday because they were in Disneyland. Plan failed, miserably. Friday was a mess. Not because they ate too much Halloween candy the night before. Because they had to go to school after being on vacation for the entire week. Big mistake.

Back to breakfast. E sits there whining, crying. N finishes his bowl, instead of throwing it away walks to another table and silently protests. In my attempt to get him to listen,” I dont want to have to spank you in front of all these people. Put your bowl away… Okay… We can wait here till you put it away…” After about a good 5 minutes N walks up, grabs his bowl and throws it away and immediately storms off in the direction of the room. In those good 5 minutes I had chompy mc-chomperson sitting next to me as she ate her food so the whole room could hear… Thats a big no no, one of my pet peeves eating your food like a cow. So that only added to my frustration. I get up and follow N, and E takes his sweet to follow me. Fine. Dont eat. Dont follow your loss.

Get to the room. N has his forehead pressed to the door. “N want me to open the door?” No response. “Okay we can wait here all morning or until dad gets back.” No response. At this point E is 5 doors down the hallway slithering down, taking his time. Silently protesting still. Okay N dont want to move so I decide to fart right in front of the door. N farts. E farts. All three of us are laughing at this point but then immediately they are back to their sour moods. Fine. Im not opening the door I dont want to smell my yucky fart. I give E the key to open the door. E puts his shirt over his nose and walks in, N follows and then me. N gets in the room, plops on his fold-away bed and immediately begins to kick, scream into the pillow and begins to cry. E following his older brother lays on the bed next to him and tries to formulate tears. And I am sitting here laughing at the huge theatrical performance my 2 step-sons are putting on for me.

Okay. Dont get dressed wait for dad. N still kicking and screaming. E still hiding behind the pillow still attempting to formulate tears. And here I am enjoying my hotel coffee which is not the best quality but better than nothing.

Dad walks in. I give him the scoop. He raises his voice and scares them with spanks and boys are moving and getting dressed. “Boys want a lunchable to bring to school?” N answers angerily, “No,” and then follows E with the same response. Fine. I understand you dont want lunchables because I paid for them and got them for you the night before at your request.

“Im not going to school,” N protests. E follows without words but body language. In the meantime dad is using the boys room and N throws on his hat and attempts to escape out the front door. Afraid he is going to get stuck outside in the cold at 8 am I grab him and bring in the middle of the room. Upset he goes and sits besides the bed on the floor and continues to silently protest. E follows. Mind you E doesnt usually act like this but because his brother is why not follow.

Dad still in the bathroom. N begins to plan his escape, again… Ugh. Fine. I can play this game too. Fakes right, fakes left, jumps on the bed. I let him get ahead and then grab him. At this point I am holding his arm and his leg against the bed requesting that he please stop he is only making a fool of himself. He complies and returns to his nesting spot.

Dad gets out of the bathroom asks me if I am taking them. “No I am not taking them after the fun morning. We can go together.”

“N & E want a lunchable?” No response, only angered disgusted looks. “Fine.”

Finally 8:30 we are out the door. That was a fun 30 minutes for me. Drive to school. N claims he is going to his mothers after school. E will follow.

Only. School gets done and the boys are find and dandy… I wait at the hotel room because A, dad and I wanted to trick the boys into thinking I got rid of all their halloween candy because the way they were acting in the morning. I set up the video camera and all.

The boys enter. Halloween candy bags that I made for them are laying empty on the bed. The boys come in. Dad asks them what they are supposed to say. They both apologize for the fun morning the three of us all shared. Then the trick begins.

I reply, “Oh sheeh. Now I feel bad I got rid of all your halloween candy because I didnt feel like you deserved them.”

Silence. N goes to the bathroom. E just sits on the floor. No reply. No answer. Go get your bags and fold them up and set them aside. I ask, “E are you mad at me?” “No, its okay.” Although I can tell hes upset with me. And N gets out and it looks like he is about to wrestle somebody into submission. No response.

We let this go on for about 10 minutes because the attitudes were again sour. My husband looks at me and mouths he cant handle it. I cant handle it either because they are too sour to the bone. So we tell them and E immediately smiles, and N still looks like he wants to choke me. This goes on for about 5 minutes and then finally a smile is cracked.

The school ride was silence. N says he wants to go see his mom. His mom is nicer and he can convince her that he doesnt have to go to school. E is pissy face the whole time through all this. The boys get to school I say my good byes. All I get back is sour faces and scowls. I know this isnt the last time that I am going to see them.

Schools out. They get to the hotel room. Both have these shy smiles on their face, I can see in their eyes they feel bad. They both apologize. And the day goes on as if nothing happened. Kids for you. I tell you they drive you crazy but you cant live without them.

Nobody said parenthood was easy and nobody said being a step-parent was easy either. As much as I wanted to spank the boys Friday morning, or actually throw their candy away I held back because I dont want them to remember me that way. I am hard on them in my own ways but I love them as if they are my own.

Friday was done and over with. We ended the evening with Enders Game. My husband and I dont believe in spending thousand of dollars on snacks and soda. So we bring in the kids bags of halloween candy, and bottles of water. Nothing like spending $35 on a movie for 3 kid and 2 adults. Cha-ching! Ultimate save!

Whew. Boy, am I glad Friday is over and done with. That was definately one for the bag to always remember.

Love these damn kids. Oh Happy Days.

Blessing in Disguise

Sleepless nights

Rude awakenings

Helpless cries

All blessings in disguise

You may argue

I will disagree

Without those late nights

And

Early mornings

I would be lost

I would be lost

Shattered

Broken

Maybe even gone.

Because of these blessings

I am strong

I am happy

And I am fulfilled

Full of life and happiness

My blessings are your nightmares but

Without them I would not be where I am today,

Happy

When dealing with my alcoholic mother poetry always soothed my soul.

Late nights with my mind wandering all over the place I found it comforting to put my thoughts into beautiful wording. If I made it beautiful maybe it would help? And it sure did.

Addiction is real. Addiction is real hard. And real sad. Its tough dealing with at 5 years old, and is still hard at 26. How do you move on? How do you not worry? Its impossible. As much as I want to not think of her. Worry about her. My mind always seems to wander back to her. Is she okay? Is she alive?

How do you handle it? What helps you? For me it seems openly talking about it, and writing about it. I know I am not the only one. I am sure there are hundreds. Millions. Out there that are in my same shoes. Speak up. You are not alone.

This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.
This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.

One of those days…

Just one of those days where you feel like just quitting.

It would be so much easier just to stop caring. And stop doing.

Oh, how easy it would be to stop.ย But you cant. You just have to keep going. If you were to stop, you fail. If you were to quit, whats the point?

Just keep swimming. Thats all I hear in my head.Image

I keep telling myself to hold it in, but I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Just when you think things are looking up, they taking a nasty turn downhill. So fast. How do things like that just happen. From one mutter of a word, all of a sudden its World War III in my house.

Teenage boys are not easy. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own, they are 16, and me just 10 years older. They are not easy when I am painted to be the bad guy. I am the terrorizer of my husbands previous relationship. Im the devil. Its not easy.

And today, was just one. of. those. days.

I think why not put on 8tracks classical/study and calm and soothe my mind. But it just makes it that much easier for the tears to flow.

Especially since I dont remember the last time I spoke with my mother. When did she last tell me she loved me? Im not her, and I never want to be here. Being present in my step-childrens lives is important to me and I make it a priority.

I feel like I am doing everything in my power to be the best step-mother. I am trying my best to raise a respectable teenage boy to be hard-working, honest, and fun-loving. But, yet all I get are door slams, mutters of utter disgust underneath his breath, and disrespect.

What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? I feel like I am out of options. I have exhaustedย and I mean exhausted I am at the point of breaking and no return.

I know parenting is tough and repetitive. But how many times can I repeat myself? At some point, it sticks with them… Right?

I hope…

Breathe.

Just keep swimming.

I guess…

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
Confucius