End the cycle, here.

The cycle ends with me. I choose to stop the cycle. The cycle of generational trauma is on repeat. And WE need to do something to stop the cycle. Not the government. Not the schools. Not the tribal councils. But WE as a family. Community. It has to start in our homes. Aunties and uncles homes. Friends homes. And it needs to happen sooner than later before we continue to lose more of our family members to alcohol, drugs, suicide, domestic violence, and so much more.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, everyday is a battle. But I am dealing with it the best way I know how. It may not be the right way but it is the only way I know, and for now it has been working. For now. Growing up I never wanted to seek help because I thought I had it covered. I kept telling myself I was fine and nothing was wrong with me. It wasn’t until my later adult years I realized I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t okay. Something was wrong with me and I couldn’t figure it out. I was an angry kid, angry teenager, and it carried into my early adult years. I refused to deal with my emotions and I turned to alcohol and chew. But then there was a turning moment in my early 20s when I realized I didn’t want to be anything like her. And that’s when I knew. I knew that the cycle would end with me. I will refuse to be an alcoholic parent. I will refuse to be a verbally abusive parent. I will refuse to make my children live in fear, every single damn day of their lives.

I know that when the time comes for me to be a mother I will never, ever, ever put my children thru what I was put thru as a child, teen, adult. No child should ever have to hear those words, be treated with such hate and anger, or live in a constant state of fear. No child should ever have to put a restraining order on their parent. No child should ever have to be scarred for life for the hateful words that were spewed in a drunken screaming match.

 

But.

 

I am not bitter. Angry. Hateful. Sad. I do not feel like I am a victim. I am grateful. I am grateful for the person I am today. I am motivated, and determined. I have a raging desire to find my pursuit of happiness every single damn day. My childhood was a mess. But as an adult I have a choice to dwell in the past or make the best of every day. I choose to make the best of everyday. I choose to smile. Laugh uncontrollably. Cry when I feel a wave of emotions overcome my body. I am not ashamed anymore to show my emotions. They have been in hiding for 20 years. No more hiding.

 

So please.

 

Choose the path that is right for you. But please do not continue the cycle of abuse. You can stop it for your generations to follow. Think of your children. Grandchildren. Great-grandchildren. But mostly for yourself. Because in the end you have to live with yourself. Your mind, body, and soul every single day and you have to be healthy for you. Not for anyone else, but yourself.

 

But for me.

It ends with me.

I choose to be healthy.

The cycle ends here.

 

 

Fireweed Tuesdays

a

I finally got enough energy to finish two qaspeqs last night! Whew. I think I finally recovered from my whirlwind of a weekend.

Weekend consisting of fishing and berry picking, and berry picking.

And then this afternoon on my quick lunch break I was able to pick a bucket full of fireweed. I am hoping to make fireweed jalapeno jelly, fireweed raspberry and another variation of fireweed jelly before Saturday.

My next few weeks are going to be insane! I head to Kotzebue July 23-31 to visit with family and be a camp counselor at Camp Sisualik! Which I am so excited about!

Then I get home for a day and then head back the next day to Nome for 4 days to teach a qaspeq class at the Rural Providers conference.

And then I am home for about 10 days and then off to Bethel for a week!

Whew! I will be excited once all my travels are done. And I can finally relax and continue working thru my orders.

Life is wonderful! Especially when you fill with smiles, positivity and laughter!

Choose to be Happy

Today, and everyday I choose to be happy.

I refuse to allow anyone’s negativity affect my life in anyway. No more. I wont do it.

Growing up with an abusive alcoholic mother was horrible. Ridiculous. Awful. Sickening. Devastating. Depressing. & Humiliating.

Everyday is still a struggle. But I choose to put a smile on my face, and put one foot in front of the other.

Moving away from home was the best thing for my recovery. Recovery from an abusive, horrible, awful mother who was verbally abusive for the last 20+ years.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent. On the inside I am hurting. Hurting a lot. But it gets better as each day passes. I am getting better, or trying to get better.

I am comfortable in telling my story. I don’t break down in tears anymore. And I can laugh about, even if its not funny. Humor is a good thing and I chuckle to myself thinking it hasn’t been an easy road to get where I am today.

I am thankful that I can share my story. Because growing up with a parent who constantly called you a fucking cunt, or a bitch. Or tell you to go spread your legs so other men can fuck you isn’t normal. And its not right. And just because she was in an alcoholic state doesn’t give her an excuse.

Alcoholism is an addiction. Yes. But name-calling isn’t an addiction. It is a choice one makes. And let me tell you from experience those words will never go away. Never. Those words will forever be ingrained my in mind, and I have never been able to forget them. Sometimes I can just hear them echoing in my mind and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can remember the first time my mom started calling me all those awful names that your parents tell you not to say. I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked. How? I was only a little girl. Why? Why me? I didn’t understand. And then it never stopped the name calling just got worse. And I got used to it. Until I got bigger and started sticking up for myself.

I deal with my mother the best way that I know. And I wholeheartedly choose to separate myself from her. It is my choice and not anyone else’s. Please don’t tell me how you think I should deal with it. Because if you haven’t been in my situation, or a similar situation where your mother was screaming obscenities at you, and trying to fight you then you don’t know what its like.

I am learning how deal. So please just allow me to deal with it the best possible way I know how. I am doing my best.

I choose to be happy.

Do you?

I can finally say…

I can finally say that I am…

Happy. 

Peaceful. 

Its quiet. 

So quiet, I can finally hear my thoughts, 

dreams, 

wishes, 

wants, 

and

hopes. 

Imagine that. 

All it took was 15 pages of paper. 

My signature.

A courtoom. 

Judge. 

Me. 

And then her. 

That was it.

Really?

That was it? Thats all?

Why didnt I think of this sooner?

Restraining orders a blessing in disguise. 

Maybe, just maybe I can finally start moving forward. Just maybe. Can it be possible?

Am I capable of living a normal life? 

Whats normal? 

I dont know. All I know is I am…

Comfortable.

Happy. 

Amazing. 

Happy
Happy.

 

 

A whirlwind of business…

5:30 morning phone calls that boil my blood

sewing

sewing

and more sewing

I will elaborate on my fun 5:30 am phone call. Everyone wants that phone call. You want that phone tell, let me tell you. It starts your morning out with a bang.

6 Qaspeqs

in

6 days! Was fun and fun! Tiring but fun!

They turned out amazing!

Miss Megan Leary is representing our Kuskokwim region as I type!

Check out my handy dandy work! These qaspeqs were beautiful and I had a good time sewing them!

Hope you enjoy my work!

A natural Miss WEIO
A natural Miss WEIO
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Red in full form :) this one turned out really nice!
Red in full form 🙂 this one turned out really nice!
The whole package
The whole package
Lined hoods and all
Lined hoods and all
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming

 

My handy dandy hood work
My handy dandy hood work
Love the purples and greens
Love the purples and greens
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue

 

5:30 phone calls cant bring me down as long as I keep pushing.

5:30 comes and goes everyday twice a day and I remind myself I am better than that. I am better than her. I am a stronger person. I dont deserve to be rudely awakened at 5:30 am to be cussed out and called all sorts of nasty names at such an early hour. I am a better and stronger person.

 

Ring, ring

Its 5:30 wake up.

Ring, ring

Hurry its 5:30 wake up

Oh, must be important.

5:30 wake up calls are unusual.

Oh, wait am I 7 again? or 10? or 14?

I remember those awful calls.

Dad unplugging the phone.

Me unplugging the phone.

Who else would be waking me at an ungodly hour.

Ring, ring.

Maybe if I ignore it she will hang up.

Nope

On comes the answering machine

and there it is

that

dreadful

awful

voice

its her… 

My blood is boiling, the tears are swelling, and the assholes, bitches, mother effer’s come out

its 5:30 why not

lets start the morning off right.

Nothing but F you’s and you stupid B’s and all that jazz.

5:30

Oh how I hate you

I hate those memories

those horrible tired mornings

You stupid B just rot in hell please and leave me be

Because 5:30 comes and goes

but her

shes always there

waiting for the next morning to

call

harrass

and

ruin

my

life

one

day

at

a

 

time.

 

Thanks mom!

 

Did I mention that I hate you.. Yup, sure do.

So bring it on 5:30 I’ll be ready.

 

Its nights like…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if anything is ever going to get better…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to move forward with my life…

Its nights like these where,

I wonder when its going to stop, the calls, the texts, the anger, the hatred…

Angerness fills my soul in moments like these,

Its moments like these where I want to just want to run away…

Run away from her.

Run away from the anger, and the sadness.

Tiring.

Tiring to have these feelings and emotions day after day, night after night.

I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces, and never have the chance to be put together.

Hatred text messages dont solve the problem.

Telling someone you hate them over, and over again doesnt solve the problem.

Telling yourself you are over her and dont need her wont solve the problem.

Nothing will ever solve the problem,

until

she

is

gone

for

good

Until then, I guess I can be fine.

Just fine.

 

Lets just say…

Lets just say its been a busy couple of months for me…

IMG_1623
Cute table runner I donated to Bethel Friends of Canine
IMG_1773
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1755
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1757
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1759
Fat quarter bag
IMG_1761
Scrap bag
IMG_1648
Rabbit lined mittens
IMG_1614
The school of fish
IMG_1621
Another table runner I donated to a family friend

IMG_1774 IMG_1756 IMG_1758 IMG_1760 IMG_1762 IMG_1622

I am also now a proud owner of a sea otter pelt!
I am also now a proud owner of a sea otter pelt!

 

 

I have somewhat become addicted to sewing…. Its been a busy few months for me on the sewing machine, in the office, and at home dealing with home life.

My mother never fails to pop into my life when I least expect it, and when I welcome it the least. She has the worst timing. She manages to step into my life and stomp me further into the ground. Her drunken voice boils my blood. Her laughter makes me want to strangle her soul. Its amazing what one phone call can do to my well being. It brings me back to a damn spiral of anger and disgust. And in the moments what I wouldnt do to hurt her with all my might. But then I realize shes nothing to me. Shes been dead to me for years and I just need to let it go like a dead fly. Moments like those rotten phone calls remind me that I will never heal until she has left this earth for good.

Until then I just keep on kicking. Keep on breathing. Keep on moving.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love. What is it? 

Oh yeah, its that love when you can say whatever you want, do whatever you, and treat people however you want and then tell them you love them unconditional. You can emotional, physically, and mentally abuse them and still say that you love them unconditionally. You can call them a bitch. You can threaten to  beat them up. You can say horrible awful things that will be implanted into their tiny little beings and still say you love them unconditionally. You can break personal belongings in their room. You can call them a hundred times in the middle of the night when they have school the next morning. You can barge into the house in the middle of the night hollering like a mad cow. You can use, abuse and manipulate tiny little beings. Fighting, cussing, hollering, and name-calling. 

But. 

You can say I love you unconditional despite what you called me the night before. What you did the night before that. What you did the week before that. What you did a year before that. What you did 10 years after that. 

No. 

I love you unconditionally so lets erase the past. Lets erase all that I have done and start fresh because its that easy. Its easy to forget that you called me an asshole, bitch, fucker, oh and tell me other things that mothers should never tell their daughters. Let me try and forget all that because you love me unconditionally. 

Unconditional love does not apply to the love that my mother. Unconditional love does not involve all the things that I have listed. It does not involve all the horrendous experiences I have had with her. 

I cringe at the sound of unconditional love. 

There is no such thing as unconditional love. You either love me. Or you dont. 

Dont treat me like a piece of trash, stomp on me, belittle me and make me feel like I wasnt adequate enough because you are nobody. You played no part in my upbringing. Loving unconditionally is not a thing.

So stop saying it. I never want to hear those 2 words, ever.

Never will I ever mutter those words to my children. To my friends. To my family. Unconditional love doesnt exist.