End the cycle, here.

The cycle ends with me. I choose to stop the cycle. The cycle of generational trauma is on repeat. And WE need to do something to stop the cycle. Not the government. Not the schools. Not the tribal councils. But WE as a family. Community. It has to start in our homes. Aunties and uncles homes. Friends homes. And it needs to happen sooner than later before we continue to lose more of our family members to alcohol, drugs, suicide, domestic violence, and so much more.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, everyday is a battle. But I am dealing with it the best way I know how. It may not be the right way but it is the only way I know, and for now it has been working. For now. Growing up I never wanted to seek help because I thought I had it covered. I kept telling myself I was fine and nothing was wrong with me. It wasn’t until my later adult years I realized I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t okay. Something was wrong with me and I couldn’t figure it out. I was an angry kid, angry teenager, and it carried into my early adult years. I refused to deal with my emotions and I turned to alcohol and chew. But then there was a turning moment in my early 20s when I realized I didn’t want to be anything like her. And that’s when I knew. I knew that the cycle would end with me. I will refuse to be an alcoholic parent. I will refuse to be a verbally abusive parent. I will refuse to make my children live in fear, every single damn day of their lives.

I know that when the time comes for me to be a mother I will never, ever, ever put my children thru what I was put thru as a child, teen, adult. No child should ever have to hear those words, be treated with such hate and anger, or live in a constant state of fear. No child should ever have to put a restraining order on their parent. No child should ever have to be scarred for life for the hateful words that were spewed in a drunken screaming match.

 

But.

 

I am not bitter. Angry. Hateful. Sad. I do not feel like I am a victim. I am grateful. I am grateful for the person I am today. I am motivated, and determined. I have a raging desire to find my pursuit of happiness every single damn day. My childhood was a mess. But as an adult I have a choice to dwell in the past or make the best of every day. I choose to make the best of everyday. I choose to smile. Laugh uncontrollably. Cry when I feel a wave of emotions overcome my body. I am not ashamed anymore to show my emotions. They have been in hiding for 20 years. No more hiding.

 

So please.

 

Choose the path that is right for you. But please do not continue the cycle of abuse. You can stop it for your generations to follow. Think of your children. Grandchildren. Great-grandchildren. But mostly for yourself. Because in the end you have to live with yourself. Your mind, body, and soul every single day and you have to be healthy for you. Not for anyone else, but yourself.

 

But for me.

It ends with me.

I choose to be healthy.

The cycle ends here.

 

 

15 thoughts on “End the cycle, here.

  1. Beautiful Nikki….. I had no idea you dealt with this issue throughout your life. Amazing how we laugh through the turmoil and keep the pain deeply secured in our souls as if we are to blame. I’m sorry for all you went through but I’m proud of who you’ve become. You deserved better and now you will insure that your children do not live the same nightmare as you did. Blessings to you sweet Nikki💝 ……… And thank you for sharing🎉

    1. Thank you Wendy for your kind words. The last few years I have felt more comfortable in sharing my story. I am proud to say that I don’t cry anymore when I do share my story. I want others to know that they are not alone and that it does get better, but they have to be willing to put in the work. It hasnt been easy to get where I am today but it has all been worth it in the end. And it only continues to get better with each day forward.

  2. This message has the potential to profoundly change lives. Please consider submitting this to newspapers and sharing it as a story in schools if you have the time. Thank you for impacting my world in this way.

  3. Oh my goodness, our lil Nikki, what a tragic, heartfelt story of an angonizing journey.
    What a blessing you are to us who know and love the YOU have become. And not
    really realizing the nightmare you lived thru, only knowing bits and pieces. You are
    an inspiration and a role model for your positive and unselfish commitment for reaching out,
    Teaching and guiding young and old alike. Even making calls to advise an uncle of
    the latest cable tv issue and how to solve them. Keep doing what you do, spread
    the good news that can change a life. Thank you, your favorite auntie.😇

    1. Thank you auntie 🙂 Uncle Ken wouldnt know what to do without me if I didnt call to harrass him and check on the status of his happiness with his cable I mean satellite. Love you and hope to see you sooner than later 🙂 I know you always have my back.

  4. I am so blessed to have signed up for your class and met you. I like the wonderful down to earth young woman that you ate today. Thank you for your voice. So many are unable to voice their thoughts, feelings and fears. Keep being the wonderful you. ❤️

  5. What a beautiful message Nikki. I really think you should share this more. So many parents are still continuing the cycle. I pray that they can choose the end the cycle as you did. I am so Proud of you girl!

    1. Quyana for your kind words. I am hopeful that this cycle has to end at some point. It just has to start with one parent, aunt, uncle, cousin. But it has to start somewhere.

  6. Oh Nikki! I was truly blessed by your words. You have left me with a lot of things to think about; thank you for taking the bold stand to speak up about difficult topics. I never would have guessed about this hardship in your life since you are such a strong and awesome role model. Thank you again and see you soon!

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