4 years and so many losses.

Its been 4 years.

Ive lost 4 uncles and many more cousins, and friends.

But its crazy to think that I have lost 4 uncles in 4 years. 2 uncles just last year. How unlucky am I?

Its difficult to reflect back on pictures and memories and to really grasp that fact that they are gone. Gone forever. Its a painful thought that I often feel when it comes to my mother. But its different for family members that actually care about you, and not treat you like dirt.

One phone call. One letter. One post card. I would give anything for just one more phone call to hear their voices, and their laughter.

Cherish those family members that are still alive. I know it may seem hypocritical of me because I have no relations with my mother, and I refuse to make an effort. But its my way of healing and dealing with her bullshit. I refuse to put myself back in the fire only to be burned for the millionth time. I refuse to be called a bitch, and a whore by someone who brought me into this joyous world. I wont have it.

All I have our the happy memories. Happy memories in Michigan. Happy memories in Nunapitchuk. I can smile and remember them, and cry and remember them. They will always be apart of me.

Tell your loved one you love them often as possible. Make that phone call. Write that letter. Just because they are distant relatives, or uncles and aunts you never talk to hardly make that effort. In the end they are still family.

My uncle Ali passed away in May 2010.
My uncle Ali passed away in May 2010.
My uncle At'saq passed in July 2012.
My uncle At’saq passed in July 2012.
My Uncle Hank passed in December 2013.
My Uncle Hank passed in December 2013.
My Uncle Chuck passed in March 2013.
My Uncle Chuck passed in March 2013.

Between uncles passing many other cousins, and friends have passed. Its crazy to look back and think of all those that have passed before me. Sad. But it is what it is.

Even though my mother is still alive I would give anything to have my uncles still here to this day. Who wants heartbreak, and being dragged in the mud with all kinds of nasty names spit on you as you pass by?

I know I dont.

Finding the good in the bad…

Christmas came and went. Presents in and out. Smiles and tears. Mostly tears.

December 23rd I lost another awesome uncle. My uncle Hank was a great man. A twinkle in his eye. A great big smile that never failed to put a smile on your face.

Although I am saddened his presence is missing. I am grateful for the time that I spent with him. I smile looking back on the time spent with Uncle Hank a few months ago. Although I saw him only at funerals, anniversaries, and weddings each moment I treasure.

Thank you Uncle Hank for making me laugh. Thanks for being awesome. Silly. Loving. And caring.

You will be missed greatly.

Me, auntie Diane, Uncle Hank. Rest in peace Uncle
Me, auntie Diane, Uncle Hank. Rest in peace Uncle

This has been a tough year for my families. I have lost another family member which leaves a wide open space of nothing. I look back and I smile for all the happy memories with my cousin, brother, friend Nick. Nick was one of a kind. He was quiet,  caring, and loving. He had a heart of gold. He went above and beyond for family, friends, and strangers. I am going to miss his laughter. One of my favorite memories was when Nick snuck me, Tina, and Alan out of our fishcamp to go fishing at 2 am. We went to one of the abandoned barges, and jammed out to KYUK 640 am and fished till the wee hours of the morning. So carefree and awesome Nick was. I am going to miss you Nick. 

Fishcamp days. Nick, me and my brother. Miss you always Nick.
Fishcamp days. Nick, me and my brother. Miss you always Nick.

Life is too short. Never miss a moment to tell loved ones you love them. Life is unpredicable. Live every moment to its full potential.