Mama’s Positive Affirmations

Mama’s Positive Affirmations

You are a good mom. I am a good mom.

You are not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom.

You are not your thoughts. I am not my thoughts.

You are safe. I am safe.

You are not alone. I am not alone.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You are not in charge of anyone’s happiness but your own.

You don’t owe anyone anything that includes space.

You are amazing. I am amazing.

You are okay. I am okay.

You are exactly where you need to be at this very moment.

You do not have to enjoy every moment. It’s okay to not like this moment.

You can do this. I can do this.

You are strong. I am strong.

You are loved. I am loved.

Step outside and take three deep breaths. Breathe in love. Breathe out the anger.

I am grateful for my health.

You are a survivor. You are giving your children the best possible life.

You are alive. I am alive.

I am here. I am ready. I am prepared to ride out this wild storm. I am strong. I can do this.

Here are my positive affirmations to help me in my postpartum depression bouts. When I am suffering I will turn to these to help me through those deep, dark moments. The one that I will repeat to myself over and over again is:

You are not your thoughts.

I am not my thoughts.

My thoughts can be so scary at times but I know that those moments will pass. I know that there are times when I am overly exhausted and I need to remind myself that I am okay. My goal is to post my affirmations on post its around my house. I will repeat them every morning when I wake. I am a good mom. I am safe. I am not alone.

Postpartum depression and postpartum rage can be so scary. I know that I am not the only suffering and I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Navigating through those emotions can be so difficult when I am trying to heal my childhood trauma wounds. Becoming a parent opens up wounds that I must have hid deep, deep down in my heart. But I am trying every day and that is the important part. I am doing the work. I am showing up and learning. It’s hard. And somedays are harder than others and I avoid going down that road because its hurts my core. I know that I have to go down to that dead end so that I can heal and move forward.

My self-healing journey has been a long, long road but I am so thankful where I am today. And I am excited where I am going to be 1, 5, 10 years down the road. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy my life to the fullest. My children deserve a happy, healthy mama. My husband deserves a healthy wife and partner but mostly friend.

Find your people. Find what works for you. Keep going. Don’t ever give up. Know that you are not alone. Reach out to me if you have no one and I can be your person. Motherhood is hard. Self-healing from childhood trauma is hard. And navigating those headwaters can be scary but know that you are not alone.

You are not alone.

You are safe.

You are loved.

You will be okay.

Whaaaat. Whoooo? Me? Busy? Naw. Just crazy.

Lets just say its been a busy few months of harvesting berries and greens, sewing like a maniac, and taking time to breathe. 

But here is what I what I have whipped up so far. Its been a crazy few months but as winter is approaching I will be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 

Deuce bigalow
Me & Joe hanging with Rob Schneider in Las Vegas
berry heaven
Berry grateful
berry grateful
Found a nice looking patch!
womens qaspeq 1
Qaspeq for one my dear friends 🙂
womens qaspeq
A qaspeq for one of my very first friends!
womens qaspeq 2
Love the colors of this qaspeq and trimming
Tote bags
Tote bag heaven
dora qaspeq
Cute little dora qaspeq
my first diaper bag
My very first diaper bag
Make up bags
Make up bag madness
make up bags 1
Make up bag madness take 2
kids qaspeqs 3
Little kids qaspeqs
Kids qaspeq
Toddler qaspeq
fireweed with cinnamon &  all spiace
Fireweed jelly with cinnamon & all spice
fireweed jalapeno jelly
Fireweed jelly jalapeno
Firewee jalapeno
The finished product of fireweed jelly

Nothing like feeling rich with good food, friends, and family. 

My heart is happy. 

Flashbacks to a happier time

Looking back on my summer I remember the good and bad times.

This summer I returned to my fathers home for my cousin’s wedding, laying my uncle to rest, and visiting a friend at a much needed time. As well as adding a new member to our family Mac the wonder pup. A much needed visit with the kiddos and celebrating E’s birthday. Setting aside 21 gallons of blueberries. Spending quality time with a sober mother. Gardening (or attempting to garden). Jamming it up with blueberries, currants, raspberries, salmon berries, and more delicious tasting berries. Successfully making fireweed jelly and different variations.

My beautiful cousins Tiffany and Nicole
My beautiful cousins Tiffany and Nicole

Returning to Michigan was definately one of the toughest trips I have had. It meant that Uncle Chuck was gone and I was never going to going to see his shiny smiling face. Uncle Chuck was my dads brother who was by far my favorite. He was blunt, but kind. He was a schmuck, but sweet. I relate to my uncle Chuck in more ways than one. It was tough but I am glad I made the trip. I got to see all my auntie and uncles and it was definately worth it. Also my cousin Nikki’s wedding ceremony was during the trip which made it extra special.

At the last minute I decided to go after finding out some devasting news from a close friend. I was glad I made the trip and got some quality time in with her when she needed me the most. She and I are alike in so many ways, and can relate with both of us having an alcoholic parent. We both understand the struggles. We hurt everyday. Its a daily ongoing struggle when dealing with an alcoholic parent. Its not like you can just forget about it, its with you everyday. It hurts even more knowing they have the potential to be that sweet, loving individual. Instead you are called awful names, and threatened. Memories from my childhood I wish I could wash away. I wish they could float away as far as possible never to be remembered again. What do you do? It hurts knowing your mother is choosing to drink over being a mother. Addiction or not, she has the choice and she chooses alcohol. She chooses to drink, no one is forcing her. If it is an addiction she needs to admit it and want to help herself. So many times as a child people told me to “pray for her.” Each night before bed I would pray, I would pray for her to get better, pray for her to come home. With each sunrise and sunset I was devastated. I realized praying would never stop her, or fix her. And thats okay. I am okay with that. I have learned to accept it as hard as it is. I must move forward in my life and understand that I have done everything in my power to help her. This summer was the first time in a long time that I have spent with her sober. The last time I went berry picking with her sober was when I was 7 or 8 and I am now 26. I cant even remember the last time that I spoke with her sober and wasnt lecturing her. I have to say that it was nice. It was nice to be with her on the tundra it brought back happier memories as a child. My mother was (and is at times) an amazing woman. She is smart, and funny. She can brighten up any room with her stupid jokes and obnoxious laugh. Addictions are real and painful. But they do not have to last forever. If an individual is committed and determined to change they can take that leap of faith and just jump. Shes not ready, and I dont know if she ever will be ready. But Im okay. I have accepted it and I have moved on with my life. Although its not easy, I break down every few months because it hurts so bad. I am realizing that its good for me to let it all out because I can keep going.

This was mom and me after picking blueberries. A memory that I will treasure forever.
This was mom and me after picking blueberries. A memory that I will treasure forever.

As a kid I wrote in my journal everyday. I wrote about my pain, suffering, and heartache that my mother caused. Still to this day she causes these feelings and more. I hope to someday put them together and share my story. My story of dealing with an alcoholic mother and the struggles that it created with my childhood, becoming a teenager without a mother, and an adult. She created many struggles, but she also made me become a stronger person and I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I am the strong and determined to never be like her. To never watch my children grow. To never treat your children that way. Or to call your children such awful names because those names stay with them forever. So thank you mother for toughening me up, and make me grow up at a young age. Thank you for never being there for me. For never watching me grow up into the person I am today. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and not being there.

On a happier note the trip to Michigan was filled with laughter, tears, and pure enjoyment. The fall of 2009 was the last time I saw my uncle Chuck. The last time I would hug him. Not a day goes by that I dont miss him. I am grateful for the times I did see him and spoke with him on the phone. Its pretty difficult having aunts and uncles half way across the country, so those short visits are like a pot of gold. I keep them close to my heart and treasure them. Family is important and they mean the world to me. Thank you for the memories uncle Chuck they will forever be in my heart.

This was our visit in 2009 for my Uncle Rich and Aunt Janies 50th anniversary. Mr. Schmuck in his prime.
This was our visit in 2009 for my Uncle Rich and Aunt Janies 50th anniversary. Mr. Schmuck in his prime.

The neglect of not writing= a super duper long and heavy post. I will cut this short and will write more later. Overall the summer was filled with wildness.