A whirlwind of business…

5:30 morning phone calls that boil my blood

sewing

sewing

and more sewing

I will elaborate on my fun 5:30 am phone call. Everyone wants that phone call. You want that phone tell, let me tell you. It starts your morning out with a bang.

6 Qaspeqs

in

6 days! Was fun and fun! Tiring but fun!

They turned out amazing!

Miss Megan Leary is representing our Kuskokwim region as I type!

Check out my handy dandy work! These qaspeqs were beautiful and I had a good time sewing them!

Hope you enjoy my work!

A natural Miss WEIO
A natural Miss WEIO
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Purple and Green Qaspeq
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Miss WEIO posing after I rudely woke her up and made her put on her qaspeqs
Red in full form :) this one turned out really nice!
Red in full form ๐Ÿ™‚ this one turned out really nice!
The whole package
The whole package
Lined hoods and all
Lined hoods and all
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
This red qaspeq turned out so nice!
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Gray qaspeq for Miss WEIO
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Loved the gold accent on this gal
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming
Red qaspeq with the fun trimming

 

My handy dandy hood work
My handy dandy hood work
Love the purples and greens
Love the purples and greens
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her gray qaspeq
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue
Miss WEIO sporting her sporty blue

 

5:30 phone calls cant bring me down as long as I keep pushing.

5:30 comes and goes everyday twice a day and I remind myself I am better than that. I am better than her. I am a stronger person. I dont deserve to be rudely awakened at 5:30 am to be cussed out and called all sorts of nasty names at such an early hour. I am a better and stronger person.

 

Ring, ring

Its 5:30 wake up.

Ring, ring

Hurry its 5:30 wake up

Oh, must be important.

5:30 wake up calls are unusual.

Oh, wait am I 7 again? or 10? or 14?

I remember those awful calls.

Dad unplugging the phone.

Me unplugging the phone.

Who else would be waking me at an ungodly hour.

Ring, ring.

Maybe if I ignore it she will hang up.

Nope

On comes the answering machine

and there it is

that

dreadful

awful

voice

its her…ย 

My blood is boiling, the tears are swelling, and the assholes, bitches, mother effer’s come out

its 5:30 why not

lets start the morning off right.

Nothing but F you’s and you stupid B’s and all that jazz.

5:30

Oh how I hate you

I hate those memories

those horrible tired mornings

You stupid B just rot in hell please and leave me be

Because 5:30 comes and goes

but her

shes always there

waiting for the next morning to

call

harrass

and

ruin

my

life

one

day

at

a

 

time.

 

Thanks mom!

 

Did I mention that I hate you.. Yup, sure do.

So bring it on 5:30 I’ll be ready.

 

Holiday Sadnesses

As the holidays are nearing I feel a sadness begin to overwhelm my soul.

I cant remember the last time that I spent a holiday with my mother…

I know I am an adult and I have my own family, and I shouldnt want her around as much… But considering the last Christmas that she spent with us was maybe 10 years ago or longer… I can probably count on my fingers the number of Christmas’s and Thanksgivings’s, birthday’s that she has spent with my brother, dad and myself and I am 26. Not a whole damn lot.

As a kid its saddening. I can remember crying myself to sleep some nights because of the unknowns. Why didnt she want to spend Christmas with us? Would she be at my birthday? Will she spend Thanksgiving with us? Year after year the same depressing feelings.

Now. I cant even stand to be in the same room with her. In and out of jail for reasons unknown. The moment she gets out of jail or the half-way house shes all smiles and hugs as if nothing happened. As if she didnt call me a bitch. Or threaten me. Or whatever she does. Nothing. Everything is sparkles and ponies. Bull. It sickens me to my stomach. How can a human being be so stupid? Shes a fucking idiot. Yes shes mother and blah blah blah. And shes sick. And has a disease. Yes. She is all those things but she is not trying. She thinks she can apologize for calling me a bitch and everything be fine without actually taking into consideration my feelings, and emotions. She must think, Oh I can just apologize, tell her I love her unconditionally and everything is kosher.

There is no room in my heart for my mother. Until she decides she wants help and wants to get better. Then maybe. Then maybe then I will make a spot for her but until then she is nothing to me.

No human being gets a pass for that kind of behavior. I mean give me a break shes in her mid 60s and has been a raging alcholic since I was like 4 years old. 22 years of homelessness, drunk, calling your daughter all names in the book that no child should ever have to hear. Sickening.

My holiday sadness is no more. After writing this and getting my blood boiling and getting myself irritated I dont have no sadness for her. She has played the victim card for 22 years. Go spend your holiday on the streets with a bottle of R & R.

In a blink of an eye…

And just like that within one heartbeat

one blink of an eye

one short, swallow, hot breath

my life is turned upside down

those three words that we long to hear

I love you

turn to

I hate you

All that work

All that hope

Everything down the drain

Secretly wishing it will clog and life will stand still

just

for

A

moment

Yet again.

Those words slither back into my life

everything will be fine

shes still your mother

shes a good person

all I want to do is go back to that moment

the moment before everything drastically spiraled out of control

to that heartbeat if I could grasp it

or hold my breath just for a moment

things may be normal

and my life will return right side up

foolish.

I am a fool for believing

A fool for wishing

And a fool for wasting empty tears

Life will never be normal.

I will always be upside down.