Boundaries are something that I still struggle with to this day. The month of April was a difficult one because it is always a reminder of how long it has been since I spoke to my mom.
The morning Sydney was born after being in labor for 29 hours, pushing for an hour and a half, and sleeping for a few hours I had a difficult conversation with my mother. That was over four years ago. In that moment and the moments leading up to having Sydney I knew I was only going to allow healthy people in my life and my family’s lives. In that conversation I made it very clear what I expected of her and what I needed from her in order for her to be allowed back into our lives.
I needed a healthy mom. A healthy grandmother. A healthy mother in law. Those were the boundaries that I set in place. I need to be healthy for my children, my family but mostly for myself. Toxic is toxic family or not. In the times when she tries to reach out to me or send me things it is a trigger for me. It is triggering because she clearly ignores my boundaries and yet still tries to send things. I don’t want things they mean nothing to me I want a healthy mom. And I just wish she would respect my wishes. Things mean nothing to me if she is not healthy.
I was around 12 or 13 years old when I was called a c-u-n-t. In high school I was told to go spread my legs and have men f*** me. And I was called and told so much more that I will not dare to share. When I set my boundaries in place please know that I am doing it because I am protecting myself. Before saying “she’s your mother,” and “you only have one of her,” maybe try to understand where I am coming from. The years of damage and trauma have taken a toll on my mental health and there were times when I thought I was those names that she would scream at me. I had been called those names so many times over the course of my life I started to believe her and I thought I was a wh*** or a b****.
I share these things not to shame my mother but to give a small glimpse of my life. My boundaries are mine to set and I am more than willing to share why I have them in place. I have worked really hard to get to the place where I am today.My happy memories of my mother are far and few but I do remember in those sober times she was hilarious, caring, vibrant, and beautiful. I know I will never get that version of her but I do hope someday I get a healthy and happy mom. I am thankful for my life the good and the bad. I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t have those deep, dark moments where I was able to find strength to keep going. And again please know this post is not to shame my mother but I want to share what I struggle with everyday
I struggled for many years with boundaries and holding true to them. It got to a point when I just couldn’t handle the emotional trauma and I knew I needed to do something before I lost it. I am so thankful that I was strong enough to set those boundaries in place and hold them. My children are my motivation to be the best version of myself and I want to be happy and healthy.
I am going for it. I am applying for a Family Nurse Practitioner Program. When I finished nursing school in December of 2018 I was convinced that I needed that I needed to have an actual real nursing job before I applied to a Nurse Practitioner program. It has always been a dream of mine to be a Emergency Medicine Nurse Practitioner and return back to the YK Delta and work in the sub-regional clinics to provide care to the Yup’ik communities. Growing up in chaos has always had me preparing and overly preparing for the next step. It doesnt matter if I am driving, preparing for a test, anything I am always going over in my head what road I will take, when I will turn left, what lane I will be driving in, and when I will turn my blinker on. I have always prepared myself for my next move no matter what. When I would have surprises occur in my life I would panic and freak out. My body would go into a fight or flight reaction and I would always fight because that is what my body was used to. When a crazy event would happen in my life growing up I would always fight and as an adult that would be my first reaction. So applying to FNP school after completing my BSN was not in my head.
I always felt that I needed to have actual “real nursing” experience. And what I mean by nursing experience is inserting IV’s, foley catheters, assisting in codes, and all that hands on experience that I do not get on a day to day basis as a school nurse. After completing my BSN I thought that I wasnt smart enough. I didnt have the experience because I was only a school nurse and I felt that I needed that hands on before applying. However, as a school nurse I am getting that nursing experience just in a different way. I was not confident in my skills as nurse and I always felt that I needed “real” experience. I now realize that I am good enough. I have the experience. I can do it. And I will do it. I do not need to have worked on a Med-Surg Unit to apply to FNP. I do not need to have that hands on experience before applying because I will learn it while in school and through my clinicals. And I do have the experience I just dont have it as a nurse.
My love for the Emergency Room started in February in 2008 when I was hired on as an Emergency Room Technician. I loved it. I loved every aspect of the ER and I felt so comfortable. And that comfort was because of my childhood and growing up in chaos I craved chaotic environments. I strived in that environment and it felt like home. And in that time working in the ER I was accepted into nursing school the first time. But that first round of nursing school did not work in my favor. I was young, arrogant, and felt I knew better than the instructor and I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Thankfully, I was failed out of the program due to personality conflicts between myself and the instructor after the first semester. Looking back I was creating chaos for myself and instead of keeping my mouth shut I chose to argue back. It was a hard lesson for me to swallow but I am thankful that it happened. I have learned from it and I can say that I am thankful for that experience. I worked in the ER for almost 3 1/2 years and had plenty of hand on experience with assisting the nurses and providers. But because I wasnt a nurse during that time I always felt that experience wasn’t “good enough.” I know now that it is good enough. And I am good enough. I am confident in my skills, and I know that along the way I will learn those skills I need in school, clinicals and on the job.
I felt a strong urge and incline to share my thoughts because if you are wanting to do something in your life and you are afraid to do it, DO IT!
Have the confidence in yourself to know that you can do it. Take the leap. Make that call. Apply for that program, job whatever it is. You are good enough. I am taking my own advice and taking that leap. Its scary. Really scary but I am comfortable and feeling confident in myself.
I have all the support in the world and I am so thankful for that. My husband has been my rock through everything. He was by my side when I was failed out of the nursing program the first time. He has watched me change jobs because I was never happy. He has always had my back and has been supportive no matter what. I am so thankful to have my best friend by my side pushing me to follow my dreams. Thanks boo.
I am excited and scared for this next chapter.
But I am ready. And I am confident in myself and I believe in myself. And I can do it!