Welcome to the life of Sew Yupik

October 24, 2013

Busy Bee

I feel like Ive been a busy bee busting out projects.

A year later I finally finished the wall hanging! Whoogtee! I am learning… And I am learning to finish projects on my own and its exciting! Here is the finished project!

This is my twister wall hanging. I started this last year and feels so damn good to finish it!

Ive been wanting to start making my own clothes. Slowly. Here is my latest creation. I had a blast making this and it makes me excited to start making more, and more and more. 🙂 So here it is!

Here is the finished product! And I love it!

Now that I know how to do all the fun details I cant wait to bust out more! If you dont know what a qaspeq is check out this website Qaspeq

Qaspeqs are perfect for berry picking, boating, fishing, and everyday use. I love mine. I love mine especially since I have made them. I know that they are all made with love. My hope is to make fun qaspeq creations.

Happy Thursday!

October 23, 2013November 8, 2013

Blessing in Disguise

Sleepless nights

Rude awakenings

Helpless cries

All blessings in disguise

You may argue

I will disagree

Without those late nights

And

Early mornings

I would be lost

~~Shattered~~

~~Broken~~

Maybe even gone.

Because of these blessings

I am strong

I am happy

And I am fulfilled

Full of life and happiness

My blessings are your nightmares but

Without them I would not be where I am today,

Happy

When dealing with my alcoholic mother poetry always soothed my soul.

Late nights with my mind wandering all over the place I found it comforting to put my thoughts into beautiful wording. If I made it beautiful maybe it would help? And it sure did.

Addiction is real. Addiction is real hard. And real sad. Its tough dealing with at 5 years old, and is still hard at 26. How do you move on? How do you not worry? Its impossible. As much as I want to not think of her. Worry about her. My mind always seems to wander back to her. Is she okay? Is she alive?

How do you handle it? What helps you? For me it seems openly talking about it, and writing about it. I know I am not the only one. I am sure there are hundreds. Millions. Out there that are in my same shoes. Speak up. You are not alone.

This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.

October 21, 2013October 21, 2013

One of those days…

Just one of those days where you feel like just quitting.

It would be so much easier just to stop caring. And stop doing.

Oh, how easy it would be to ~~stop.~~ But you cant. You just have to keep going. If you were to stop, you fail. If you were to quit, whats the point?

Just keep swimming. Thats all I hear in my head.

I keep telling myself to hold it in, but I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Just when you think things are looking up, they taking a nasty turn downhill. So fast. How do things like that just happen. From one mutter of a word, all of a sudden its World War III in my house.

Teenage boys are not easy. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own, they are 16, and me just 10 years older. They are not easy when I am painted to be the bad guy. I am the terrorizer of my husbands previous relationship. Im the devil. Its not easy.

And today, was just one. of. those. days.

I think why not put on 8tracks classical/study and calm and soothe my mind. But it just makes it that much easier for the tears to flow.

Especially since I dont remember the last time I spoke with my mother. When did she last tell me she loved me? Im not her, and I never want to be here. Being present in my step-childrens lives is important to me and I make it a priority.

I feel like I am doing everything in my power to be the best step-mother. I am trying my best to raise a respectable teenage boy to be hard-working, honest, and fun-loving. But, yet all I get are door slams, mutters of utter disgust underneath his breath, and disrespect.

What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? I feel like I am out of options. I have ~~exhausted~~ and I mean exhausted I am at the point of breaking and no return.

I know parenting is tough and repetitive. But how many times can I repeat myself? At some point, it sticks with them… Right?

I hope…

Breathe.

Just keep swimming.

I guess…

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
Confucius

October 20, 2013

Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer From Scratch!

The stores where I live are behind the times and I am just going to pull up my sleeves and bust out some delicious Pumpkin Spice Creamer! Cant wait to try this bad boy out! Thanks for the recipe 🙂

granolagirlbakes

We have a thing for pumpkin and once the first day of Fall is here, it is officially “pumpkin season” at my house! 🙂 We used to consume numerous Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks but since we gave up starbucks we have had a hard time finding a good Pumpkin Spice latte flavor. Plus, we try to stay away from coffee syrups. So, when Lydia saw this recipe she knew she needed to give it a try. And honored me with the privilege of making the Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer for her. 😉 She loved it! And for Lydia to “love it”, it means this is a spectacular recipe! Real pumpkin, pure maple, and spice makes up the perfect fall coffee. 🙂

The recipe originated from Deliciously Organic. I did add additional vanilla and cinnamon. If you prefer your coffee a little sweeter I recommend adding more maple syrup!…

View original post 96 more words

October 20, 2013

My creations in a nutshell

With the help of my good friend we were able to bust out this quilt in 16 hours for my aunt and uncles 50th anniversary.

As a quilter, sewer, creator I am discovering that I love to make new things. I love to play around and make new creations. Everything I make I have taken a class, pinterested, or just accidently created it. Its a fun process and I learn something new every time I am creating things. I want to eventually make my own clothes, once I am skilled enough. On my Christmas list is a serger. I think I am ready to tackle that fear of using a serger and start expanding my sewing skills.

Qaspeqs — I took a class and was able to bust out these 2 qaspeqs with bags from left over fabric.

This is the first apron that I ever made. I just copied the pattern from an apron that was given to me.

I made this for a good friend. I had a hard time giving this one away I love the colors.

WIth the help of a great friend I was able to make this for an old friend in Takotna. First time making a hat with a velcro strap.

My auntie made me the red stocking when I was a young girl. I wanted to keep the tradition alive and made my step-children and husband stockings.

I wanted to make my gifts last year and these were the gift packages I created. Pillowcases, apron, and a fish bag.

Qaspeq I made in a weekend class. I find I bust out more when I take a class.

Love the colors, and the pockets this was my favorite to make.

I gave this to my cousin for Christmas last year. I love giving away homemade gifts.

This was the first scrap quilt I made. I love scrap quilts.

October 20, 2013October 20, 2013

Halloween trick or treat creations

I had a blast making these halloween trick or treat bags for my step-children, nieces, and adopted nieces. I followed this simple two sided bag tutorial from Skip to My Lou’s website and just ran with it. I had left over Dora fabric and lined T and M’s bags, and used them for the base for e and g’s bags. The girls all loved their bags and I had so much making them. A little fabric goes a looong way.

Side b for Halloween trick or treat bag E

October 19, 2013October 19, 2013

Never have I ever…

Never have I ever heard parenting was…

Easy.

Simple.

Straight-forward.

A piece of cake.

Never have I ever thought parenting involved…

Placing your child in front of a television to keep them “entertained.”

Choosing work over your child.

Choosing partying over your child.

I dont have children, but have I have 4 amazing step-children. The oldest lives at home and is a 16 year old teenage boy. Its not easy and everyday is an uphill battle but I continue to try. The three others live with their mother. Any chance we get we go and spend time with them. Phones set aside unless they are playing on them. Our attention is given to them 110%. Stories are read. Games are played. Hugs are given. I loves you are said often. We are present in the moment with them and it feels amazing. Those days spent with them are treasured and we count down the days until our next visit.

Its not easy to see them because of where we live. We live in a remote community 400 miles west of Anchorage. Our plane tickets round-trip are $400 each. To get a place to stay over the weekend costs us another $400. And then you calculate food our trip is easily $1500 if not more. Thats not including our cost of living here in my hometown of Bethel. Mortgage $1000, internet/cable/cell phones/home phone $450, electricty $120, fuel $350, water/sewer $100, and then you include groceries, and gas thats another $1500 a month easily. As you can see its pretty difficult, and you may ask why live here? Well my step son is graduating in 2 years and he has made this his home. It would be awfully hard to uproot him. So in the meantime we will tough it out and live out every moment to the fullest.

Parenting takes work, attention, love, guidance, fun and more. So put down your phones. Take the time and have fun.

Parenting is tough and it involves every part of your being. They need direction, guidance, love, and attention. They need direction to follow the right, or better path. They need guidance and advice. They need to be told “I love you,” everyday, and they need to be showered with love. They need to be given attention and played with.

What they dont need is to be placed in front of a television, given a phone to play with for hours at a time. They are the priority.

I know as a child of alcoholic. My mother chose booze over me my whole life. Its sad I have witnessed this type of treatment first hand. It kills me to see it happen…

Think about others. Think about your children. Dont place priority on a jug, or others.

Children should always be placed first before anything else.

October 17, 2013October 19, 2013

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love. What is it?

Oh yeah, its that love when you can say whatever you want, do whatever you, and treat people however you want and then tell them you love them unconditional. You can emotional, physically, and mentally abuse them and still say that you love them unconditionally. You can call them a bitch. You can threaten to beat them up. You can say horrible awful things that will be implanted into their tiny little beings and still say you love them unconditionally. You can break personal belongings in their room. You can call them a hundred times in the middle of the night when they have school the next morning. You can barge into the house in the middle of the night hollering like a mad cow. You can use, abuse and manipulate tiny little beings. Fighting, cussing, hollering, and name-calling.

But.

You can say I love you unconditional despite what you called me the night before. What you did the night before that. What you did the week before that. What you did a year before that. What you did 10 years after that.

No.

I love you unconditionally so lets erase the past. Lets erase all that I have done and start fresh because its that easy. Its easy to forget that you called me an asshole, bitch, fucker, oh and tell me other things that mothers should never tell their daughters. Let me try and forget all that because you love me unconditionally.

Unconditional love does not apply to the love that my mother. Unconditional love does not involve all the things that I have listed. It does not involve all the horrendous experiences I have had with her.

I cringe at the sound of unconditional love.

There is no such thing as unconditional love. You either love me. Or you dont.

Dont treat me like a piece of trash, stomp on me, belittle me and make me feel like I wasnt adequate enough because you are nobody. You played no part in my upbringing. Loving unconditionally is not a thing.

So stop saying it. I never want to hear those 2 words, ever.

Never will I ever mutter those words to my children. To my friends. To my family. Unconditional love doesnt exist.

October 17, 2013October 17, 2013

Sneak peek of summer photos

August 3rd marked our 1 year anniversary. I intend on wearing my wedding dress every year on our anniversary until I am too fat, or too pregnant. I must also mention I have the best husband in the world. Without him I would be lost. This is Moose & Bezerkin.

That moment when you spill your berries and have to start all over again.

My cute little garden. Cabbage. Peas. Zucchini. Broccoli. Cauliflower. Spring Lettuce.

Meet Mac. He doesnt like photos. He is hyper and stinks just like his mama.

Choose to be happy. Choose to live your life the way you want to.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” -Dalai Lama

October 16, 2013October 17, 2013

Flashbacks to a happier time

Looking back on my summer I remember the good and bad times.

This summer I returned to my fathers home for my cousin’s wedding, laying my uncle to rest, and visiting a friend at a much needed time. As well as adding a new member to our family Mac the wonder pup. A much needed visit with the kiddos and celebrating E’s birthday. Setting aside 21 gallons of blueberries. Spending quality time with a sober mother. Gardening (or attempting to garden). Jamming it up with blueberries, currants, raspberries, salmon berries, and more delicious tasting berries. Successfully making fireweed jelly and different variations.

Returning to Michigan was definately one of the toughest trips I have had. It meant that Uncle Chuck was gone and I was never going to going to see his shiny smiling face. Uncle Chuck was my dads brother who was by far my favorite. He was blunt, but kind. He was a schmuck, but sweet. I relate to my uncle Chuck in more ways than one. It was tough but I am glad I made the trip. I got to see all my auntie and uncles and it was definately worth it. Also my cousin Nikki’s wedding ceremony was during the trip which made it extra special.

At the last minute I decided to go after finding out some devasting news from a close friend. I was glad I made the trip and got some quality time in with her when she needed me the most. She and I are alike in so many ways, and can relate with both of us having an alcoholic parent. We both understand the struggles. We hurt everyday. Its a daily ongoing struggle when dealing with an alcoholic parent. Its not like you can just forget about it, its with you everyday. It hurts even more knowing they have the potential to be that sweet, loving individual. Instead you are called awful names, and threatened. Memories from my childhood I wish I could wash away. I wish they could float away as far as possible never to be remembered again. What do you do? It hurts knowing your mother is choosing to drink over being a mother. Addiction or not, she has the choice and she chooses alcohol. She chooses to drink, no one is forcing her. If it is an addiction she needs to admit it and want to help herself. So many times as a child people told me to “pray for her.” Each night before bed I would pray, I would pray for her to get better, pray for her to come home. With each sunrise and sunset I was devastated. I realized praying would never stop her, or fix her. And thats okay. I am okay with that. I have learned to accept it as hard as it is. I must move forward in my life and understand that I have done everything in my power to help her. This summer was the first time in a long time that I have spent with her sober. The last time I went berry picking with her sober was when I was 7 or 8 and I am now 26. I cant even remember the last time that I spoke with her sober and wasnt lecturing her. I have to say that it was nice. It was nice to be with her on the tundra it brought back happier memories as a child. My mother was (and is at times) an amazing woman. She is smart, and funny. She can brighten up any room with her stupid jokes and obnoxious laugh. Addictions are real and painful. But they do not have to last forever. If an individual is committed and determined to change they can take that leap of faith and just jump. Shes not ready, and I dont know if she ever will be ready. But Im okay. I have accepted it and I have moved on with my life. Although its not easy, I break down every few months because it hurts so bad. I am realizing that its good for me to let it all out because I can keep going.

This was mom and me after picking blueberries. A memory that I will treasure forever.

As a kid I wrote in my journal everyday. I wrote about my pain, suffering, and heartache that my mother caused. Still to this day she causes these feelings and more. I hope to someday put them together and share my story. My story of dealing with an alcoholic mother and the struggles that it created with my childhood, becoming a teenager without a mother, and an adult. She created many struggles, but she also made me become a stronger person and I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I am the strong and determined to never be like her. To never watch my children grow. To never treat your children that way. Or to call your children such awful names because those names stay with them forever. So thank you mother for toughening me up, and make me grow up at a young age. Thank you for never being there for me. For never watching me grow up into the person I am today. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and not being there.

On a happier note the trip to Michigan was filled with laughter, tears, and pure enjoyment. The fall of 2009 was the last time I saw my uncle Chuck. The last time I would hug him. Not a day goes by that I dont miss him. I am grateful for the times I did see him and spoke with him on the phone. Its pretty difficult having aunts and uncles half way across the country, so those short visits are like a pot of gold. I keep them close to my heart and treasure them. Family is important and they mean the world to me. Thank you for the memories uncle Chuck they will forever be in my heart.

This was our visit in 2009 for my Uncle Rich and Aunt Janies 50th anniversary. Mr. Schmuck in his prime.

The neglect of not writing= a super duper long and heavy post. I will cut this short and will write more later. Overall the summer was filled with wildness.