Storm before the calm

Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset
Therapy for my soul. Bethel sunset

Nothing like a crazy Friday morning.

We got here Thursday morning and picked the kids up. We got out swimming in. Costumes created. And trick or treated until the boys were exhausted.

Then came evening time. “Your going to school tomorrow.” Cries, wails and tears were storming our tiny hotel room. After a few minutes of tears, tossing, and turning it was all snores and sheeps jumping over the fence.

Little did I know that it was going to be a stormy morning. A had school early before the boys and she was out the door with slight tears, and and all was well after fruit loops. A out the door with no problems. While my hubby was out with A at school I got up ate my breakfast and had my coffee before shit hit the fan.

7:30 am and a bomb went off in the tiny quarters. N got up with a slight fight but was immediately ready to get to breakfast. E had a complete meltdown mind you this was before the storm hit me like a wet towel across the face. I got E out of bed, dragged him out the door. Instead of following he silently protested in front of the door. So like the good step-mother that I am I carried him like a 2 year down to breakfast only for him to silently protest at the table. Fine. Dont eat breakfast. N ate his breakfast silently as he began to plot his big escape.

We see the kids 3-6 months because it costs us an arm and a leg. So when we do see them we try and get the most out of our visit. Their thinking since we dont see dad lets convince we dont have to go to school on Friday, even after we missed M-Thursday because they were in Disneyland. Plan failed, miserably. Friday was a mess. Not because they ate too much Halloween candy the night before. Because they had to go to school after being on vacation for the entire week. Big mistake.

Back to breakfast. E sits there whining, crying. N finishes his bowl, instead of throwing it away walks to another table and silently protests. In my attempt to get him to listen,” I dont want to have to spank you in front of all these people. Put your bowl away… Okay… We can wait here till you put it away…” After about a good 5 minutes N walks up, grabs his bowl and throws it away and immediately storms off in the direction of the room. In those good 5 minutes I had chompy mc-chomperson sitting next to me as she ate her food so the whole room could hear… Thats a big no no, one of my pet peeves eating your food like a cow. So that only added to my frustration. I get up and follow N, and E takes his sweet to follow me. Fine. Dont eat. Dont follow your loss.

Get to the room. N has his forehead pressed to the door. “N want me to open the door?” No response. “Okay we can wait here all morning or until dad gets back.” No response. At this point E is 5 doors down the hallway slithering down, taking his time. Silently protesting still. Okay N dont want to move so I decide to fart right in front of the door. N farts. E farts. All three of us are laughing at this point but then immediately they are back to their sour moods. Fine. Im not opening the door I dont want to smell my yucky fart. I give E the key to open the door. E puts his shirt over his nose and walks in, N follows and then me. N gets in the room, plops on his fold-away bed and immediately begins to kick, scream into the pillow and begins to cry. E following his older brother lays on the bed next to him and tries to formulate tears. And I am sitting here laughing at the huge theatrical performance my 2 step-sons are putting on for me.

Okay. Dont get dressed wait for dad. N still kicking and screaming. E still hiding behind the pillow still attempting to formulate tears. And here I am enjoying my hotel coffee which is not the best quality but better than nothing.

Dad walks in. I give him the scoop. He raises his voice and scares them with spanks and boys are moving and getting dressed. “Boys want a lunchable to bring to school?” N answers angerily, “No,” and then follows E with the same response. Fine. I understand you dont want lunchables because I paid for them and got them for you the night before at your request.

“Im not going to school,” N protests. E follows without words but body language. In the meantime dad is using the boys room and N throws on his hat and attempts to escape out the front door. Afraid he is going to get stuck outside in the cold at 8 am I grab him and bring in the middle of the room. Upset he goes and sits besides the bed on the floor and continues to silently protest. E follows. Mind you E doesnt usually act like this but because his brother is why not follow.

Dad still in the bathroom. N begins to plan his escape, again… Ugh. Fine. I can play this game too. Fakes right, fakes left, jumps on the bed. I let him get ahead and then grab him. At this point I am holding his arm and his leg against the bed requesting that he please stop he is only making a fool of himself. He complies and returns to his nesting spot.

Dad gets out of the bathroom asks me if I am taking them. “No I am not taking them after the fun morning. We can go together.”

“N & E want a lunchable?” No response, only angered disgusted looks. “Fine.”

Finally 8:30 we are out the door. That was a fun 30 minutes for me. Drive to school. N claims he is going to his mothers after school. E will follow.

Only. School gets done and the boys are find and dandy… I wait at the hotel room because A, dad and I wanted to trick the boys into thinking I got rid of all their halloween candy because the way they were acting in the morning. I set up the video camera and all.

The boys enter. Halloween candy bags that I made for them are laying empty on the bed. The boys come in. Dad asks them what they are supposed to say. They both apologize for the fun morning the three of us all shared. Then the trick begins.

I reply, “Oh sheeh. Now I feel bad I got rid of all your halloween candy because I didnt feel like you deserved them.”

Silence. N goes to the bathroom. E just sits on the floor. No reply. No answer. Go get your bags and fold them up and set them aside. I ask, “E are you mad at me?” “No, its okay.” Although I can tell hes upset with me. And N gets out and it looks like he is about to wrestle somebody into submission. No response.

We let this go on for about 10 minutes because the attitudes were again sour. My husband looks at me and mouths he cant handle it. I cant handle it either because they are too sour to the bone. So we tell them and E immediately smiles, and N still looks like he wants to choke me. This goes on for about 5 minutes and then finally a smile is cracked.

The school ride was silence. N says he wants to go see his mom. His mom is nicer and he can convince her that he doesnt have to go to school. E is pissy face the whole time through all this. The boys get to school I say my good byes. All I get back is sour faces and scowls. I know this isnt the last time that I am going to see them.

Schools out. They get to the hotel room. Both have these shy smiles on their face, I can see in their eyes they feel bad. They both apologize. And the day goes on as if nothing happened. Kids for you. I tell you they drive you crazy but you cant live without them.

Nobody said parenthood was easy and nobody said being a step-parent was easy either. As much as I wanted to spank the boys Friday morning, or actually throw their candy away I held back because I dont want them to remember me that way. I am hard on them in my own ways but I love them as if they are my own.

Friday was done and over with. We ended the evening with Enders Game. My husband and I dont believe in spending thousand of dollars on snacks and soda. So we bring in the kids bags of halloween candy, and bottles of water. Nothing like spending $35 on a movie for 3 kid and 2 adults. Cha-ching! Ultimate save!

Whew. Boy, am I glad Friday is over and done with. That was definately one for the bag to always remember.

Love these damn kids. Oh Happy Days.

Busy Bee

I feel like Ive been a busy bee busting out projects.

A year later I finally finished the wall hanging! Whoogtee! I am learning… And I am learning to finish projects on my own and its exciting! Here is the finished project!

This is my twister wall hanging. I started this last year and feels so damn good to finish it!
This is my twister wall hanging. I started this last year and feels so damn good to finish it!

Ive been wanting to start making my own clothes. Slowly. Here is my latest creation. I had a blast making this and it makes me excited to start making more, and more and more. 🙂 So here it is!

Here is the finished product! And I love it!
Here is the finished product! And I love it!
The detailed Raven
This was something new. I have never added a zipper pocket to the pocket. It was a challenge but it turned out for my first one.
I always find the details make the finished product. I forgot how to line the hood so I goofed a little bit. But here it is looks good on paper.

 

Now that I know how to do all the fun details I cant wait to bust out more! If you dont know what a qaspeq is check out this website Qaspeq

Qaspeqs are perfect for berry picking, boating, fishing, and everyday use. I love mine. I love mine especially since I have made them. I know that they are all made with love. My hope is to make fun qaspeq creations.

Happy Thursday!

Blessing in Disguise

Sleepless nights

Rude awakenings

Helpless cries

All blessings in disguise

You may argue

I will disagree

Without those late nights

And

Early mornings

I would be lost

I would be lost

Shattered

Broken

Maybe even gone.

Because of these blessings

I am strong

I am happy

And I am fulfilled

Full of life and happiness

My blessings are your nightmares but

Without them I would not be where I am today,

Happy

When dealing with my alcoholic mother poetry always soothed my soul.

Late nights with my mind wandering all over the place I found it comforting to put my thoughts into beautiful wording. If I made it beautiful maybe it would help? And it sure did.

Addiction is real. Addiction is real hard. And real sad. Its tough dealing with at 5 years old, and is still hard at 26. How do you move on? How do you not worry? Its impossible. As much as I want to not think of her. Worry about her. My mind always seems to wander back to her. Is she okay? Is she alive?

How do you handle it? What helps you? For me it seems openly talking about it, and writing about it. I know I am not the only one. I am sure there are hundreds. Millions. Out there that are in my same shoes. Speak up. You are not alone.

This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.
This is me jumping in Paris 5 years ago. A happy time for me.

One of those days…

Just one of those days where you feel like just quitting.

It would be so much easier just to stop caring. And stop doing.

Oh, how easy it would be to stop. But you cant. You just have to keep going. If you were to stop, you fail. If you were to quit, whats the point?

Just keep swimming. Thats all I hear in my head.Image

I keep telling myself to hold it in, but I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Just when you think things are looking up, they taking a nasty turn downhill. So fast. How do things like that just happen. From one mutter of a word, all of a sudden its World War III in my house.

Teenage boys are not easy. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own. Teenage boys are not easy when they are not your own, they are 16, and me just 10 years older. They are not easy when I am painted to be the bad guy. I am the terrorizer of my husbands previous relationship. Im the devil. Its not easy.

And today, was just one. of. those. days.

I think why not put on 8tracks classical/study and calm and soothe my mind. But it just makes it that much easier for the tears to flow.

Especially since I dont remember the last time I spoke with my mother. When did she last tell me she loved me? Im not her, and I never want to be here. Being present in my step-childrens lives is important to me and I make it a priority.

I feel like I am doing everything in my power to be the best step-mother. I am trying my best to raise a respectable teenage boy to be hard-working, honest, and fun-loving. But, yet all I get are door slams, mutters of utter disgust underneath his breath, and disrespect.

What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? I feel like I am out of options. I have exhausted and I mean exhausted I am at the point of breaking and no return.

I know parenting is tough and repetitive. But how many times can I repeat myself? At some point, it sticks with them… Right?

I hope…

Breathe.

Just keep swimming.

I guess…

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
Confucius

Never have I ever…

Never have I ever heard parenting was…

Easy.

Simple.

Straight-forward.

A piece of cake.

Never have I ever thought parenting involved…

Placing your child in front of a television to keep them “entertained.”

Choosing work over your child.

Choosing partying over your child.

I dont have children, but have I have 4 amazing step-children. The oldest lives at home and is a 16 year old teenage boy. Its not easy and everyday is an uphill battle but I continue to try. The three others live with their mother. Any chance we get we go and spend time with them. Phones set aside unless they are playing on them. Our attention is given to them 110%. Stories are read. Games are played. Hugs are given. I loves you are said often. We are present in the moment with them and it feels amazing. Those days spent with them are treasured and we count down the days until our next visit.

Its not easy to see them because of where we live. We live in a remote community 400 miles west of Anchorage. Our plane tickets round-trip are $400 each. To get a place to stay over the weekend costs us another $400. And then you calculate food our trip is easily $1500 if not more. Thats not including our cost of living here in my hometown of Bethel. Mortgage $1000, internet/cable/cell phones/home phone $450, electricty $120, fuel $350, water/sewer $100, and then you include groceries, and gas thats another $1500 a month easily. As you can see its pretty difficult, and you may ask why live here? Well my step son is graduating in 2 years and he has made this his home. It would be awfully hard to uproot him. So in the meantime we will tough it out and live out every moment to the fullest.

Parenting takes work, attention, love, guidance, fun and more. So put down your phones. Take the time and have fun.

Parenting is tough and it involves every part of your being. They need direction, guidance, love, and attention. They need direction to follow the right, or better path. They need guidance and advice. They need to be told “I love you,” everyday, and they need to be showered with love. They need to be given attention and played with.

What they dont need is to be placed in front of a television, given a phone to play with for hours at a time. They are the priority.

I know as a child of alcoholic. My mother chose booze over me my whole life. Its sad I have witnessed this type of treatment first hand. It kills me to see it happen…

Think about others. Think about your children. Dont place priority on a jug, or others.

Children should always be placed first before anything else.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love. What is it? 

Oh yeah, its that love when you can say whatever you want, do whatever you, and treat people however you want and then tell them you love them unconditional. You can emotional, physically, and mentally abuse them and still say that you love them unconditionally. You can call them a bitch. You can threaten to  beat them up. You can say horrible awful things that will be implanted into their tiny little beings and still say you love them unconditionally. You can break personal belongings in their room. You can call them a hundred times in the middle of the night when they have school the next morning. You can barge into the house in the middle of the night hollering like a mad cow. You can use, abuse and manipulate tiny little beings. Fighting, cussing, hollering, and name-calling. 

But. 

You can say I love you unconditional despite what you called me the night before. What you did the night before that. What you did the week before that. What you did a year before that. What you did 10 years after that. 

No. 

I love you unconditionally so lets erase the past. Lets erase all that I have done and start fresh because its that easy. Its easy to forget that you called me an asshole, bitch, fucker, oh and tell me other things that mothers should never tell their daughters. Let me try and forget all that because you love me unconditionally. 

Unconditional love does not apply to the love that my mother. Unconditional love does not involve all the things that I have listed. It does not involve all the horrendous experiences I have had with her. 

I cringe at the sound of unconditional love. 

There is no such thing as unconditional love. You either love me. Or you dont. 

Dont treat me like a piece of trash, stomp on me, belittle me and make me feel like I wasnt adequate enough because you are nobody. You played no part in my upbringing. Loving unconditionally is not a thing.

So stop saying it. I never want to hear those 2 words, ever.

Never will I ever mutter those words to my children. To my friends. To my family. Unconditional love doesnt exist.

Flashbacks to a happier time

Looking back on my summer I remember the good and bad times.

This summer I returned to my fathers home for my cousin’s wedding, laying my uncle to rest, and visiting a friend at a much needed time. As well as adding a new member to our family Mac the wonder pup. A much needed visit with the kiddos and celebrating E’s birthday. Setting aside 21 gallons of blueberries. Spending quality time with a sober mother. Gardening (or attempting to garden). Jamming it up with blueberries, currants, raspberries, salmon berries, and more delicious tasting berries. Successfully making fireweed jelly and different variations.

My beautiful cousins Tiffany and Nicole
My beautiful cousins Tiffany and Nicole

Returning to Michigan was definately one of the toughest trips I have had. It meant that Uncle Chuck was gone and I was never going to going to see his shiny smiling face. Uncle Chuck was my dads brother who was by far my favorite. He was blunt, but kind. He was a schmuck, but sweet. I relate to my uncle Chuck in more ways than one. It was tough but I am glad I made the trip. I got to see all my auntie and uncles and it was definately worth it. Also my cousin Nikki’s wedding ceremony was during the trip which made it extra special.

At the last minute I decided to go after finding out some devasting news from a close friend. I was glad I made the trip and got some quality time in with her when she needed me the most. She and I are alike in so many ways, and can relate with both of us having an alcoholic parent. We both understand the struggles. We hurt everyday. Its a daily ongoing struggle when dealing with an alcoholic parent. Its not like you can just forget about it, its with you everyday. It hurts even more knowing they have the potential to be that sweet, loving individual. Instead you are called awful names, and threatened. Memories from my childhood I wish I could wash away. I wish they could float away as far as possible never to be remembered again. What do you do? It hurts knowing your mother is choosing to drink over being a mother. Addiction or not, she has the choice and she chooses alcohol. She chooses to drink, no one is forcing her. If it is an addiction she needs to admit it and want to help herself. So many times as a child people told me to “pray for her.” Each night before bed I would pray, I would pray for her to get better, pray for her to come home. With each sunrise and sunset I was devastated. I realized praying would never stop her, or fix her. And thats okay. I am okay with that. I have learned to accept it as hard as it is. I must move forward in my life and understand that I have done everything in my power to help her. This summer was the first time in a long time that I have spent with her sober. The last time I went berry picking with her sober was when I was 7 or 8 and I am now 26. I cant even remember the last time that I spoke with her sober and wasnt lecturing her. I have to say that it was nice. It was nice to be with her on the tundra it brought back happier memories as a child. My mother was (and is at times) an amazing woman. She is smart, and funny. She can brighten up any room with her stupid jokes and obnoxious laugh. Addictions are real and painful. But they do not have to last forever. If an individual is committed and determined to change they can take that leap of faith and just jump. Shes not ready, and I dont know if she ever will be ready. But Im okay. I have accepted it and I have moved on with my life. Although its not easy, I break down every few months because it hurts so bad. I am realizing that its good for me to let it all out because I can keep going.

This was mom and me after picking blueberries. A memory that I will treasure forever.
This was mom and me after picking blueberries. A memory that I will treasure forever.

As a kid I wrote in my journal everyday. I wrote about my pain, suffering, and heartache that my mother caused. Still to this day she causes these feelings and more. I hope to someday put them together and share my story. My story of dealing with an alcoholic mother and the struggles that it created with my childhood, becoming a teenager without a mother, and an adult. She created many struggles, but she also made me become a stronger person and I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I am the strong and determined to never be like her. To never watch my children grow. To never treat your children that way. Or to call your children such awful names because those names stay with them forever. So thank you mother for toughening me up, and make me grow up at a young age. Thank you for never being there for me. For never watching me grow up into the person I am today. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and not being there.

On a happier note the trip to Michigan was filled with laughter, tears, and pure enjoyment. The fall of 2009 was the last time I saw my uncle Chuck. The last time I would hug him. Not a day goes by that I dont miss him. I am grateful for the times I did see him and spoke with him on the phone. Its pretty difficult having aunts and uncles half way across the country, so those short visits are like a pot of gold. I keep them close to my heart and treasure them. Family is important and they mean the world to me. Thank you for the memories uncle Chuck they will forever be in my heart.

This was our visit in 2009 for my Uncle Rich and Aunt Janies 50th anniversary. Mr. Schmuck in his prime.
This was our visit in 2009 for my Uncle Rich and Aunt Janies 50th anniversary. Mr. Schmuck in his prime.

The neglect of not writing= a super duper long and heavy post. I will cut this short and will write more later. Overall the summer was filled with wildness.

Finished products of October

October has one busy month for me.

I finished my first half marathon yay! The Portland marathon was quite the experience with 10,000 other runners, and running on pavement (yuck!) I am glad to say that I have one under my belt. I am hooked! My goal was to finish under 2 hours and I was kind of bummed I didnt but I have a goal for my next one. I must also mention I was sick for a good whole month where I trained a total of 10 days maybe. It was awful, my fear was that I wouldnt be able to finish the half but surprisingly I ran my miles faster than my training times. Woohoo!

With that under my belt I am hungry for more 1/2 marathons. I dont have any desire to run 26.2 miles. Why would I put myself through that pain, agony, and exhaustion. I know that I have ability and can do it if I put my mind to it but I think I enjoy shorter runs. I dont plan on ever running a race where its all on pavement, my shins are still mad at me even after stretching and hot steambaths.

A couple of friends of mine also made the trip which was amazing. Not to mention there were 30 other Bethel folks running the half and the full marathon. Here are some photos from the week of awesomeness.

Here is my 5 am amazing support crew. These guys woke up at 5 am to sit and anxiously wait for me to start and finish :)
Here is my 5 am amazing support crew. These guys woke up at 5 am to sit and anxiously wait for me to start and finish 🙂
A little tired, a little sore but still felt amazing to finish strong!
A little tired, a little sore but still felt amazing to finish strong!
He is my rock, my best friend and my husband. He keeps me grounded and is there for me when I need him. I am the luckiest woman in the world.
He is my rock, my best friend and my husband. He keeps me grounded and is there for me when I need him. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

On top of spending a week in Portland with amazing friends I returned home to busy, busy, busy! I have been busy sewing like a mad woman! Busy making Halloween trick or treat bags for my stinkiest neices and lap quilts to sell. Check out my latest projects!

quilt #2 quilt #3 quilt#1

I love making homemade gifts for neices and here their new Halloween trick-or-treat bags
I love making homemade gifts for neices and here their new Halloween trick-or-treat bags

With each project I grow hungry to create more fun things. With scrap quilts you can be as creative and colorful as you want. I really enjoyed making these and glad my hoarding paid off in the end.

With the upcoming cold, dark, winter months I am trying to discover ways to cut costs. As you know living in Bethel in the winter can be costly with heating fuel and any possible way I can cut corners I take those opportunities. I discovered with my employee badge I am able to cut back on my heating fuel from $6 something to $5.63 which if you add it up in the end I am saving quite a bit. Also I was able to jimmy my way out of paying $480 extra a year on my step-sons cell phone bill by removing a data plan that they say is “policy” when we are unable to even utilize that service. Also with my employee badge I can cut my gas from 20 cents a gallon. Every penny counts especially in Bethel.

I am discovering myself as a homemaker and testing my limits, and reaching out of my comfort zones to be more creative on the sewing machine. I scored some awesome fabric from IKEA for a coat that I hope to finish next weekend at a class.

As an individual I am discovering my limits, when to ask for help, and when to say no. I am trying to better myself as a person for me, my family and my friends. I am understanding that friends come and go. Friendships change. And there is nothing that I can do about it. Learning to let go of my mother and let her be. Through writing I find that I am able to express my feelings, use it as an outlet when it comes to my mother and share my creations. This is my kind of therapy that I need to keep up with.

I must return to sewing, sewing, and more sewing. Sew S.